So here I am...alone in my thoughts at this early hour. The wind is blowing outside and our little travel trailer is rocking a little. Doesn't scare me like it used to. We are pretty stable. Spring is upon us though, and storm season lies ahead. Not my favorite time of year... Storms.Storms come. Storms are unpredictable. Sometimes they bring just a steady rain. Sometimes they bring along some friends like thunder, lightening, wind and tornadoes. Sometimes they bring a flood. You never quite know what each storm will bring. Even with the best weather forecasters around, storms are unpredictable. Not too many years ago we experienced a storm after Christmas that brought one of the worst tornadoes to some of our family and friends. These kind of storms aren't supposed to happen during the "winter!" But who can predict what storms may come...and when.... (Now I see where this is headed....)
Back to the shoulder, neck and hip pain... The ice packs are helping some, but the pain is still there. I've had these for years. Dr. Joe makes a pretty penny off of putting me back together and taking away the pain every time I have a flair up. Looks like a visit may be in my future. So what triggered this pain tonight...a wedding! Well, the long drive to the wedding and the long drive home. More than an hour in a car and I am in pain. Every single time! Tonight was no exception! I rode with my oldest daughter and three of my grandbabies to my niece's wedding. It was almost a 2 hour drive. The time in the car was enough to trigger my pain, but I'm sure the possible "storm" had a little to do with it.
Family is tough. Family dynamics can be hard to navigate. No family is immune from the storms. They are bound to come. I remember after my grandmother died, when I was in high school, there were some family squabbles over dividing up some of her things. If I remember the story right, some were upset that I, a mere grandchild (oldest girl grandchild) had gotten a couple of recipe books, a wooden bowl, the recipe box my mother had made for my grandmother, and a little Avon Bicentennial figurine that had MY NAME on the bottom of it from my grandmother. Oh none of these had much value to them monetarily, but they caused a storm like they did! They all had memories attached. When my maternal grandmother passed away 20 plus years later, I remember worrying about the family "storm" that would follow. It mostly went smoothly. I'm not sure if there was really much to fuss over. I did get the bedroom furniture she had always promised me. The storm this time came during the funeral. We will just leave it at that...some family members just don't know how to behave. (It's now 4:44 a.m. for those who know me...that will have to be another post though!)Recently, I attended the visitation of my great uncle. He was the last of a generation of our family. I watched the dynamics of his immediate and extended family while sitting with a 2nd or 3rd cousin and talking about who was who and life in general. As sad as this gathering was, it was also good to see so many family members that I had not seen in awhile. But underneath the love everyone was showing was still that feeling of a storm brewing if the wrong cousin, aunt, or uncle said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person....you all know what I mean. That family squabble that is calm as long as no one rocks the boat too much. That cold front, or pressure system, that if it shifted just a little more south would produce a powerful storm. That feeling was present at times even as we mourned the loss of the last of a generation.
Weddings can be the same. Well, at least our family ones can be! I'm not going to delve into the muck and mire of some of the hurts but I will say there are some and I feel them greatly! Some hurts are greater than others. Some have even put a wedge between several family members...myself included. I will own my feelings in this. Tonight's event was not easy for me. It was the first wedding in our family since our daughter's wedding a year ago and I knew I would see some people who would make the evening less than easy. I almost didn't go because people I love were not invited and people who had been hurtful at our daughter's wedding would be there. I knew that I would need to work on my "poker face", which I really do not have because my thoughts and feelings can be read easily on my face. I would have to bite my tongue if the wrong thing was said. I would have to be the better person. For the most part, I did well, but those feelings...they hurt. They keep those storms brewing in the background. They hold just enough instability to be dangerous or to just blow by without incident. Thankfully there was a cool breeze...people we had not seen in awhile...who eased the tension. I was glad I went and hopefully healed a bit from the hurts. Storm averted...for now.Family hurts are hard. They are hard to handle and harder to forgive. They cause deep wounds. Because you see, family is supposed to be the ones that are there for you no matter what. They are supposed to love you and care when life knocks you down. They are supposed to be who you can turn to. They are supposed to celebrate with you and cry with you...and not just at weddings and funerals. But, families are not perfect. Families fight. Families fall apart. Families are sometimes unsafe and unhealthy places. I see this a lot in my profession. Family does not always equal unconditional love. Family can mean pain and heartache.
So I don't really have a happy ending or answer for the family storm. I saw a new one brewing tonight...one I don't know the details of but I know something is not right. I also saw the sudden heartache of one of my sister-in-laws when learning that her best friend's mother and her "other mother"passed away. It makes me know that no matter the storm. No matter the hurt. No matter the pain. Life is short and precious. Life is hard. Family is hard. Life is precious and so is family...even the hard to love ones. Forgiveness is the key. Not a key I own as of yet in this situation, but I am working on it. The emotion didn't control me tonight, love for what my family should be did. Maybe that is the cure. Maybe that is the answer. Maybe that is what God's prompting tonight was all about. Love. Love covers a multitude of sin. (1Peter 4:8)
I'll leave you with this. No matter the storms. No matter the pain. God's love is there for us. He is my comfort in the storm. He is the one who tells the seas to be calm and the storm ends. (Psalms 107:29) He is the one who can take away the pain and give us a new heart filled with love. The key to forgiveness...love. The key to calming the storm that rages...love. The Bible tells us that God is love. (1 John 4:8) My favorite verse on love is this: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Others will hurt us and storms will come, but Love, God, never fails.
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