WAITING ROOMS & HOSPITALS

 Couches and chairs are spread around the room.  People are social distanced, each claiming their own area of the space provide for families.  Doctors come in and out giving results and updating families.  People check the chart for the color codes to know what phase their loved one is in.  Some cuddle under blankets and try to rest.  Others play on their phones, watching shows too loud.  Me?  I'm perched in the back corner, away from everyone but this nice older man waiting on his daughter to come out of recovery.  I'm settled in with my Diet Coke (since there was no Dr. Pepper) and my bag of Hershey's Nuggets with almonds.  (Yes, I am stress eating.)  Why?  My daughter is in surgery.  

Nothing prepares you for all the worry and fear that comes with children.  At first you always worry if you are doing it right...truthfully, I still worry about that and they are all grown!  Then somewhere along the way it turns into worry about everything.  Are their friends good friends?  Are they safe people for them to stay with?  Going swimming?  Will someone be watching them to make sure no one slips under and doesn't come up?  Bike riding?  Stay within sight of the house and don't talk to strangers.  Church camp?  What if they come home sick?  Hospital visits for broken bones, high fever, spider bites, meningitis.  Off to college?  Do you know how to protect yourself?  Tazer?  Pepper spray?  Walk in pairs!  Find my iPhone?  Yes, please.  If your child doesn't call back or text like expected, you can check to see they are okay!  Adulthood?  Is he taking good care of my baby girl?  Is he compassionate?  Is he harsh?  Are they happy?  Childbirth?  Grandbabies?  Oh God please take care of my child and her baby!  Please take care of them during labor and delivery!  Please God!  Broken bones?  Fibroid tumors?  Cysts?  Trips to the ER still...but now you have no say.  You are support, not protector.  Surgeries!  Well....that's me today.  Waiting.  Praying.  Writing. Checking for updates.  Waiting.  

All different walks of life pace across these floors.  Some calm.  Others anxious.  Some sleeping.  Some talking to themselves and just being LOUD!  There's a nice older man beside me waiting on his daughter to be ready to go. Others are not taking their eyes off the screen of updates.  And then there is Debbie.  She is the liason for families.  She circles the room, checking on everyone, giving instructions, providing information, finding ways to make others feel better if possible.  She explains what to expect, where to find restrooms, food, COFFEE, and how to check the color coded update screen.  She keeps the peace.  Silences the noisey...in her sweet and kind way.  She reassures those of us who are anxious and makes sure we know she is here for us.  She makes sure we have her phone number.  

I really didn't know what to write today but I knew I needed to.  My anxiety is bad.  This is my baby girl!  She is in her first surgery!  They put her to sleep!!!  You would think I would be use to this with this child.  She has had me at the hospital with her more than once.  Funny thing today, she knows most of the people working on her surgery from her years of working as a surgery tech.  She was pretty calm.  Giggling and visiting with people she knew.  Me?  I'm so sleepy too!  I did not sleep much last night and would love to close my eyes for a bit...but I know better.  I am the information hub for all the family.  My job is to spread the infor to the important people in her life and keep them updated.  

My eyes are getting heavy.  I better get up and walk a bit....my understanding is it should take a couple of hours.....9:45 was about the start time.  So I have untill 11;45.  Pray I don't fall asleep but can find some energy.  Pray her surgery is easy and that she will recover quickly.  Pray for all those carring for her.  

Who ever said adult children were easy to raise did not know mine! 

D~

ANXIETY SUCKS

 I curl up in my chair to sleep for the night.  Television is off.  Dogs are silent (for a change).  Air conditioner isn't even on.  Only the sounds of crickets and frogs play in the background.  Sleep should be easy....

It starts with just an uneasy and unsettled feeling.  I can't get comfortable.  Nothing feels right.  I stretch out my legs and rub my feet together (something I have always done to calm myself down before sleep).  Nope.  That doesn't help.  My legs feel achy.  They have to move.  I stretch them out and my foot starts shaking.  Nope.  That doesn't help the feeling either.  Heart begins racing...and it feels like hyperventalating breathing beginning.  It's an I-can't-catch-my-breath kind of feeling.  I sit up and grab the peppermint and lavender oils beside me.  Some goes on my arms.  Some on my neck.  A little under my nose.  There...that ought to do it.  NOPE.  Still feel uneasy.  If I wait much longer it will become a full blown attack.  "FINE!"  I think.  "I WILL GET UP AND GET SOME MEDICINE!"  Dig through my bottomless pit of a purse.  Where is that little green bottle?  Getting frustrated.  THERE IT IS!  Take a pill.  Lay down.  Nope.  Can't sleep yet.  Mind starts racing.  Why am I having an attack tonight?  Nothing is wrong!  NOTHING is triggering it.  Why?

Okay, so I will write.  That's what I do when things get like this and I can't do anything else to calm my spirit.  Turn on the computer.  IT IS UPDATING!  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Okay.  BREATE!  Wait for the update to finish.  Login.  Connect to internet.  NO INTERNET CONNECTION FOUND.  Run diagnostic to find and fix problem.  Nothing found.  Run it again.  Still nothing.  Still no internet.  Turn off hot spot on phone.  Shut down phone.  Wait 10 seconds.  Turn phone on again.  Try one more time....one more time and if this doesn't work I may chunk the laptop across the room!  CONNECTION!

Anxiety sucks.  I can't explain where it comes from or why it happens.  I can be driving down the road and singing along to a song and the “chest in my throat” feeling starts.  I can be watching tv and laughing at a show or playing a game on my phone and BAM! It hits from out of nowhere!  Anxiety sucks.  

A common misconception is that anxiety is worry.  I worry too much.  That is probably true, but in these last several years I have learned to worry less and pray more.  Still anxiety grabs hold of me.  The enemy would like me to believe that it is because my faith is weak and that's why I have these attacks.  Still not true.  My faith is probably stronger now than it has ever been because I have had to lean on Jesus and trust God to see me through some really hard days and nights in this past year.  Nope....anxiety is not lack of faith or too much worry.  Some say it comes from not trusting, or from being a perfectionist and being too hard on yourself.  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that it has suddenly reared its ugly head again in my life and I am not happy.  

I guess I should have expected it.  I have deemed this summer my summer of rest, recovery and healing.  This past year truly has been the hardest of my life.  It started with Covid, then the loss of my uncle suddenly, then my brother a week later.  A week after that my hubby lost his job and school started for the hardest year of teaching I have had in my 25 year career.  A few weeks later another uncle passed away.  Three deaths in less than 3 months of close family members.  School is different due to covid protocols.  School was really really hard.  Hubby found a job.  We thought it was perfect and 6 weeks later they let him go...right at Christmas.  The next 5 months were horrible.  I'm still grieving.  He is looking for a job and getting rejection after rejection.  My stress is off the charts and so is his.  We barely survived it.  But now school is out and the hubby has a great new job.  I am still holding my breath a bit just from being disappointed over and over with the others, but I'm trusting that God has us.  

I gave up teaching school this summer to rest.  I have needed to sleep.  I slept almost the whole first week after we got out.  Week two was a little better.  This week I have started trying to accomplish a few things around here.  It's a big job.  We let a lot of things go during those 5 dark months.  Living in our travel trailer makes it even worse.  Clutter is a big deal here!  If I look at it all I get very overwhelmed.  

I read something the other day regarding people with anxiety and depression.  I have both and have for many years.  They are part of my dna and no, I can't just "get happy."  (I had a Facebook "friend" tell me I needed to just get happy and everything would get better.  Oh if it could be that easy.  Needless to say, she has been moved to the Isle of Acquaintances and only sees what I allow her to see on my newsfeed now.)  It's not controllable.  It's not just too much worry.  Tonight had been a good night.  Yet, here I am at 3:30 in the morning typing out my thoughts so that my anxiety can settle back down.  

Sadly, this can be gentic.  I fear I have passed it down to my children and I see it in some of my grandchildren.  We come from a long line of anxious people.  Learning how to cope with it and what to do in the midst of a full blown panic attack is something you have to learn.  I hate it but it is part of me.  I was thankful when talking to one of my doctors last week about the sudden onset of an attack again and how I just didn't know why it was happening again.  He shared his own experience and reassured me that mine was a normal thing.

This summer of healing and rest means my brain is starting to relax and process the events of this past year.  I did a really good job of compartmentalizing those events in nice neat little boxes or files in my head so I didn't have to look at them while working every day.  I needed to be able to function.  But now...now they are toppling out of their boxes and I am having to face them one at a time.  Face them, I must.  But I am allowing myself time.  Only one thing a day gets my attention.  The rest is relaxation or recovery.  I believe this isn't my last attack of the summer.  I'm praying it is, but I know I have just scratched the surface and need to dive deeper into what I'm stuggling with.  I'm trying.  It is just going to have to take a while....one file at a time.  So be easy with me.  Understand if I am showing signs of anxiety.  Please don't lecture or give advice that really does not help at the time.  The only thing I need...we that struggle with anxiety and depression need...is understanding and someone to just be there when we fall.  

One last photo of a saying that I love and it is oh so true....

Love to you all....D

OOPS! STEPPING ON TOES...

 Have you ever thought about what effect your actions have on others?  What kind of example are you setting?  I know some people who have tuned out already and have an “I don’t care” kind of attitude. Hummm...what does that example set for others?  Then there are those who worry too much what people think about what they are doing. I’m really not talking about that kind of thing. I mean those actions that you do naturally or without thinking. Those things that are part of your character. Do you throw trash out the windows?  Leave the shopping cart in a parking space?  Or are you the kind that picks up the trash without asking, holds a door open, says thank you, etc.?  I think I’m even going a little deeper than that...and I don’t mean to step on toes, but is your example showing others a way to Jesus or is it hindering that relationship?  

In Romans 14:21 it says, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall."  This verse has always spoken loudly to me. I know that verse has been used to guilt and shame people but to me it helps me think about how my actions affect others. Example...if I have a drink and I’m a Christian will that cause someone else to begin drinking?  Will I be a hindrance to the recovering alcoholic at our gathering of believers if I drink?  

Now don’t come at me about it being okay or not okay to drink. That’s NOT what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being an example of a follower of Christ in a fallen world. If I don’t stand out as different then how will they know Christ?  If I smoke, drink, curse, dress inappropriately, listen to music or watch movies that do not glorify God, do I lead others to Jesus or do I show that I’m just like the rest of the world?  I promise you, I am NOT perfect and I do not live a spotless life.  I am thinking through these things outloud for myself as well.

Okay, Denise...what is going on with this?  Well, I was faced with this kind of situation recently.  A gathering of friends and people I didn't know well, some Christians, and several drinking.  Sitting there I couldn't help but feel bad for those I KNEW struggled with alcohol issues as they sat around others who were drinking without regard to their issue.  How did it make them feel?  Did they look at us as hypocrits or did we give them permission to drink again after so long working to stay sober?   I struggle with these thoughts often. I don't ever want to be the reason somone stumbles.

Do I drink?  Sometimes.  Do I drink publicly?  No....  Why?  This example thing is a big part of it.  Now I know, I know that many reading are like...WHY?  It is the most foreign thing in the world to some but for me it is a big deal.  Drinking is just one example. It could be the language I use...yes, I mess up there too much too!  It can be the places I go or don't go (I miss worship way more than I should), the music I listen to (I love some country music), or anything I do that make up my character...my example.   Anything I do I want to test against what Jesus would do in that situation.  I can't always think about how others will interpret or judge my actions, but to the best of my ability I want to set an example that will lead others closer to Jesus.  I want to stand out as different from this world and not part of it.  I fail at this way more than I want to admit, but it is always in the back of my mind.

I honestly didn't start this to step on toes, so please do not think I am talking to you or about you.  I'm not.  I'm thinking out loud or in writing...processing like I do.  As a mom, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend, educator, Christian....I want to do things to the best of my ability and to be cognizant of my exmple.  I don't want to do anything in a judgy way, but out of love and out of being true to myself.  Whether we like it or not...people watch what we do or don't do.  People notice who is real with what they believe and who is not.  It has been said before and I'll share it here as I close...

"Your life will preach louder than your words."  

It's okay to be different.  

Denise

AND IT ALL COMES TUMBLING DOWN...

 I don't want to write...but I need to write.  I don't want to unravel the nice neat package I have all my stressors tied up in, but I need to.  I don't want to process the pain from this past year, but it keeps coming up and creating moments of anxiety and panic attacks.  I don't want to do this...but I have to.

I said when I started writing again that I was going to keep things real and keep this blog open to the public instead of hiding it away in privacy settings.  It is going to be hard for me to keep this open if I truly venture into the things I need to process.  I don't like being that honest, but again, I have felt like this is what I am supposed to do.  I don't even really know where to start....

Covid 19...I can start there, I guess.  I know I have written a little about it, but maybe not all that it took from me.  I was one of those people who did what I was told to do.  I spent MONTHS at home with my only contact being with my immediate family.  I stayed confined to the "compound" we live on with my parents and my brother at the time.  I missed getting to go to my classroom and spend time with my students.  I missed getting to hang out with friends and co-workers.  I missed being able to go to church.  Then the riots came following the death of George Floyd.  Now, not only did a virus paralyze me, but fear of what was happening in the world around us had my anxiety on high.  Things really had gotten to a point of such fear that I couldn't even go into Dallas to see my doctor.  I just did not feel safe anywhere but at home.  My fear intensified at the very thought of the possibility of giving my parents a virus that could kill them.  I didn't worry about myself, but I was so afraid I would accidentally give it to my parents without knowing I had it.  It is not good what lies the evil one can whisper in your ear when you are isolated.  

Even with all the fear that Covid brought, it did give me something positive too.  You see, the summer of 2020, while we were still "sheltered at home" as much as possible, allowed me some time with my brother.  Time I would not have had otherwise.  Time I would have skipped.  Time I wish I could have back.  This is why I don't want to unpack this....this is where I don't want to go.  This is what is keeping me up at night.  This is why I don't want to write...but I need to.  This is the hard part.

I read an old post in my other blog (my private one that very few people have ever seen or read).  In that post I was ranting about my family.  I obviously was not in a happy place with them.  I was so angry.  Sounded like I was beyond angry with my brothers and pretty mad at my parents too.  (Sorry Mom, if you are reading this, it was during one of Bubba's mean days I think.)  I wanted a do-over.  I wanted a different family.  I didn't want to deal with the constant drama any more.  I was done!  Man...today, I would be happy to get to deal with one of those days again. 

For those who don't know me well, or our family, I have two brothers.  Both are younger than me.  I was 6 when my first brother was born and 11 when my youngest brother was born.  They were 12 and 8 when I got married and left home.  I really didn't "grow up" with them.  I was busy raising my family while they were navigating the worlds of middle school and then high school and college.  I wasn't there to help them or protect them.  Things I wish I could have done.  In some ways we were two different families.  The family that I had been part of when they were little and then the family they became when I moved out.  Looking back, I wish I had been more connected to them, but raising babies, finishing college, managing a home and being a wife kept me pretty busy.

Sadly, my relationship with my brothers was not always very good.  My youngest brother and I got along fine.  I was the "second" mom for him and I spoiled him.  He was my living baby doll.  But my first brother and I fought from the time he realized going into my bedroom would make me mad.  I loved him and loved teaching him things when he was a baby, but soon he began to require more and more of Mom's attention and I'm sure my resentment towards him began to grow even way back then.  He was not a healthy baby.  He had had to have some surgeries when he was very little and was sick a lot with ear infections, I think.  He cried a lot!  I remember one night when he had been crying, asking Mom if we could return him to the hospital.  I was only 6 or 7 at the time but I had had enough.  He was needy and keeping me from my mom and dad.  He also figured out he could cry and say I was being mean and I would be in trouble.  He was too smart for his own good even as a little kid.  

My oldest brother and I continued to not have a wonderful relationship as he got older and became an adult.  He had struggles that none of us can imagine.  When people say they face their own demons, I believe he had some that he had to face.  We disagreed on so much.  I was the bad guy a lot.  I called him out when he was doing wrong.  I didn't like seeing him get away with things that I knew I would have been in trouble for as a child.  I didn't let him talk to me like he tried to talk to others.  He loved to talk down to people and try to make them feel dumb.  (He had a brilliant mind.)  If you know me, you know I didn't put up with that.  My temper would come out and I would put him in his place if I had a chance.  Our fights hurt my mom I'm sure.  She hated our disagreements.  She, like most parents, just wanted her children to get along and love each other.  I tried, but for many years he didn't even claim me as his sister.  I'm sure it was my fault in some ways, but I had to put up some boundaries years back to protect myself and my family from his lashing out.  It was not a good relationship for many many years.  

But last summer, covid summer of 2020, we had some time together.  It really had started before then.  My husband and I moved out here onto the family land in the summer of 2018 and that fall it started to rain and rained every day for months.  We were (still are at this time) living in our travel trailer in the middle of a pasture that was now surrounded by water and mud.  I ended up living at my parents' house for most of that school year because I could not get to my "house."  My oldest brother was living in his travel trailer beside my parents' house at the time as well.  We spent lots of time together at our parents' house that year.  Not all of those moments were good but many of them were.  I remember one night when he came in late and made some coffee.  He asked me, "Sis, do you want some coffee?"  I was shocked!  First he called me "Sis" and second he offered to make me some coffee!  These things just did not happen, but during those days they did.  I look back now and am thankful for those months of living at my parents.  I was frustrated back then, but now I can see how God was giving me time...time to mend our relationship.  

Fast forward back to this past summer.  We had another chance to spend time together.  Our parents had loaded up and headed to Colorado with friends for some camping in their 5th wheels.  Mom and Dad loved to get away from time to time and with some of the difficulties with my brother, they needed it more often.  That left me to be his go to person.  He didn't drive and so if he needed things from town, I would have to help him.  Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to that.  Have I mentioned that he could be difficult?   Then there was my new dog.  We had a new puppy, a Belgian Malinois, often confused with a German Shepherd but with short hair.  My brother LOVED my dog.  He wanted my dog.  Truth is, he loved animals and absolutely was crazy for my puppy.  It was another something we could connect on.  I was watering Mom's plants while they were gone and so Koda and I would go up to water and visit with my brother.  Those were nice days.  I treasure them now.

Summer rolled on and then August came and we got the news that my uncle had passed away suddenly on August 1st.  We had his funeral in the midst of all the covid protocols and then on August 9th, my brother died.  My brother died.  I still have a hard time saying that...and typing it.  I still can not wrap my mind around it.  It is still unreal.  How can my brother have died?  Why did he die?  Why did he have to die?  WHY!?!?  That night will forever scream in my brain.  Finishing supper, phone ringing, Mom's calling, Mom is screaming.  All I hear is Dad, brother's name, and dead.  I have no idea what is happening.  All I hear is screaming.  Not sure if it was Mom or me at that point.  

The rest became a blur.  Hubby jumped up and took off to their house.  I had to put on clothes.  I was dressed for bed.  Phone calls to neighbors for help.  Phone calls to someone else...not sure who...I just can't remember.  I think I called my girls.  Maybe my hubby called them.  I just remember getting there, running across the back yard, seeing my daddy at the gate with my husband.  The look on my husband's face.  I couldn't see Dad's at the time.  Running in the house to find Mom.  Our neighbors had beat me there.  She was with Mom.  Oh my poor mom....

Something clicked...take care of things mode...ON.  Protector mode...ON.  Caretaker mode...ON.  Oldest child mode...ON.  Make phone calls.  Monitor phone calls.  Manage company.  Check on Mom.  Check on Dad. Text baby brother.  Text daughters and check on them.   Answer questions.  Wait for medical examiner.  Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  I don't know if I even cried that night.  Everything was such a blur and so unbelievable.  But I didn't have time to let it all sink in.  I learned a long time ago how to "suck it up" and put things in a neat little box somewhere in my mind to deal with later, and that is what I did.  I had to make sure my mom was okay.  She just lost her brother and now her son.  I had to make sure my dad was okay.  He had found my brother and had to tell mom and call 911.  Oh...there were all these things....I just can't unpack them all....not yet.

Grief doesn't let those boxes stay packed.  Grief shakes them around and let's things spill out at the most inopportune times.  Driving down the road...and suddenly you can't breathe because something shook the box.  Paralyzing anxiety and sadness that spill out and force you to stay in bed for a day.  Tears that will not stop. Seeing your loved one, but it's not really him, riding his bike down the road and you start to pull over and see if he wants a ride....then realize it isn't him.  It can't be him.

Anger. Anger at him.  Anger at God.  Anger at the situation.  Anger at the reason for his death...or what we suspected at the time.  Anger with myself for wasting years.  Anger because we had just started to mend our relationship and now...now we can't do more.  Anger because that last day I saw him...I was irritated with him and did not spend the time I should have with him.  Oh this emotional roller coaster has so many dips and turns that I'm not sure how to survive it.  

This is what is starting to open up again.  This is the box on the shelf that is starting to tumble off and spill everywhere.  I really am not ready to look at it all again, but I know I must.  This summer, this time to rest, grieve, and heal is the time to unpack these things and deal with them.  Writing it one way I do that.  This is going to be a difficult journey.  I have avoided opening up my laptop because I do NOT want to do this.  But, here I am, taking deep breaths and trying to just take things as they come.  

LIFE ON PAUSE

 Have you ever just sat and wondered about when life would be normal again?  This weekend, as I sat looking out the window at the rain soaked world, I just became so frustrated and anxious.  I normally love a good rainy day with nothing to do but sleep and veg out on movies.  Not this weekend.  I was fit to be tied.  My hubby kept asking me what was wrong to which my answer was, "I don't know!"  

It hit me later while we were watching a movie.  I had asked my husband to pause the movie while I was out of the room and when I came back in he was busy doing something and didn't immediately restart the movie.  I had to ask him to take it off of pause.  That got me thinking...our life has felt like it was on pause for a long time now and I'm ready to press play again.

We have been living in limbo it seems for way too long.  After the husband's last layoff from work, we have gone 5 months searching and waiting for things to kick back into gear.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't spend any money.  We don't plan anything.  We just simply exist right now and that is wearing me down.  How do you live when life is so uncertain?  How do you keep planning, dreaming, moving forward?  I don't know the answer because we have not been able to do it.  

For the last 5 months...really more than that...we have just been existing.  Get up, I go to work, he looks for jobs, come home, eat dinner, watch tv, fight with the dog, go to bed.  Repeat!  Every day!  With the job loss, money being tight, covid still attacking people we love, we have been cooped up alone...together...and seriously just existing.  It has been hard.  No joy in it.  I'm thankful I at least have had my job to go to to keep me busy and my mind from being totally idle.  

There are so many things I want to do.  I want to be able to go out to dinner.  I want to start planning the house we want to build.  I want to buy more rock to finish our driveway.  I want to travel.  I want to just feel secure for a little while instead of feeling like I have to horde everything for a rainy day that is bound to hit us again.  It just feels like a horrible roller coaster ride that we just can't seem to get off of.  I need a break from the dreary, mundane, blah life that we have been surviving.  Instead I want to be living...thriving...growing...becoming....  None of those things can happen on PAUSE!