Well, here I am again...rereading the blogs I have worked on over the years. Some have been for me, some have been for encouragements for friends. Some have just been processing the world around me as I try to survive day to day life. In all, I have 3 different blogs. One is totally private. It is my "diary" in some ways. The second is partially open to only a few trusted friends who encourage me to write. Then there is this one. It is totally public...which scares the daylights out of me! Being totally open for anyone anywhere to read and judge just scares me. It is just one of my fears...looking stupid or sounding uneducated. PLUS, who am I to tell anyone anywhere how to live life?
So why in the world am I doing this AGAIN? Because I am supposed to do it. I won't say "God told me to, " because that would freak a lot of people out...including myself, if I am honest. But, I will say that the message hit me at a time that a lesson about walking in faith and your purpose was being taught and I had this clear-as-day picture come into my mind of writing and speaking. If you think writing for people to read my thoughts scares me...the idea of speaking to adults may send me into cardiac arrest! My first instinct was to tell God NO! He knows I don't speak in front of adults. I won't even pray out loud in front of women that I trust with my life! It is just not me! Which is even more reason why now I have to start this process. Remember Jonah? Yeah, well, the belly of a big fish is NOT where I want to end up!
Now the hard part begins...not writing, that is easy. I just throw all my jumbled thoughts out onto a page and try to make them make sense. The hard part is sharing what I am writing. Sharing it with those who know me best. Sharing with those who know I am nobody...just a country girl who grew up in the same town ALL HER LIFE and became a wife, mother, teacher and grandmother in the process. I'm just a girl...I guess I should say woman...who has lived life as it has come. Some good. Some bad. Some UGLY. Nothing in particular makes my life...my story...any more important than anyone else's. Matter-of-fact, many of you have more interesting stories and testimonies than I do.
The fact that this will be hard for me to do makes your job as the reader the most important job. I need your feedback even if it is just a thumbs up letting me know you read my writing. I have quit writing as many times as I have started. Kind of like the diets I have done. LOL! I start off strong writing at least once a week and keeping things on track. Then, I get overly judgmental of my words and stop. In my mind I tell myself that no one is reading this crazy stuff so why do I keep doing it. Then I start believing that my being nobody with nothing to offer is proof that I should just give up on this crazy idea and go back to doing something like playing games on my phone. Fear stops me. Fear tells me that I am not good enough at this so I should give up. Fear tells me that nobody really cares and that most see my writing as just dumb. Yep! That is what fear tells me.
I need you. I need you to interact with my writing if you feel led to. Again, just letting me know you took the time to read by liking the post will make a difference. I need that encouragement to keep going. I'm not sure what this will turn into. Maybe it will become a book of my journey through life...maybe it will just be a blog. Maybe it will become my profession after I retire from teaching. Who knows! All I know is that I am feeling prodded and pushed to write again. I have often asked God to reveal what my purpose and ministry are supposed to be. I also told Him what I didn't want to do. LOL. I think He laughs at me every time I tell Him MY plans.
My tidbit of wisdom tonight is simple. Trust God. He knows what He is doing. I will elaborate on that story next time. For now....just trust Him! If you have read this far....thank you! Maybe soon you will see more posts.
Blessings....Denise
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ReplyDeleteI'm reading. :-)
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