It’s All About ME!

What is it about Sunday nights and my brain not wanting to shut off?  🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s crazy sometimes. I’ll just warn ⚠️ y’all now….this might get long so stop 🛑 now if you don’t want to go down the rabbit hole with me! 

So today I’ve thought a lot about where I am on this life journey. It’s no secret the last several years have been difficult for many reasons. Job losses, empty nest, friendship losses, pandemics, losing my brother and uncles, and just pretty much losing myself in it all.  It has taken a lot of work and prayer to be where I am today. I joked with my dr/friend/counselor about feeling like myself again more lately than I have in a long time. 

One of those things I’m regaining is a sense of respect. I’m not being a doormat any longer. One of my forever friends sent me some notes on boundaries during the summer. They really hit home. I had become just someone that anyone could pretty much take advantage of because I didn’t want let someone down. I couldn’t say no very easily nor could I stand up for myself and what I needed. 

I ended up taking the whole summer off from doing anything that I didn’t want to do. I said no to lots of things. I slept when I wanted to. I stayed home if I wanted to. I watched tv. Mindless tv because I didn’t want to deal with anything too emotional or heavy. I just gave myself permission to be whatever I needed to be each day. That was the key. I had permission to just be me. 

Some people worried because I said no when I usually would have said yes. Some even plotted ways to kidnap me and make me get out or do things, but that’s when I started feeling my strength return. I stood my ground and said NO! It was really kind of nice to take back some control. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I just took care of me. 

Things I’ve learned about myself during this time… I don’t like crowds. I like a slower pace. I need quiet days without human interactions. I need my space. My internal clock wakes me at about 8 daily. My ability to socialize doesn’t start until about 10 am.  My weekends need to allow my body to rest and to function on its natural rhythm (which is why 9:30 worship isn’t working for me.). Maybe if my everyday didn’t require 5:30 am alarms and 10-12 hour work days then I could be more active on the weekends. 

I’ve discovered that you only need a friend who truly prays for you to help turn things around. I am thankful for my praying friend. She still calls and sends texts just to say she’s praying today for me. Honestly, I could not have made it these past 3 years without her prayers! I know others have prayed too but the consistency of her taking our names to God throughout these past years has been a lifeline to my soul. 

See…rabbit hole. My brain just goes wherever it wants sometimes. For those of y’all who may have struggled lately like me, let me say that turning my troubles into worship made the difference. Prayer…yes!  Reading the Bible…yes!  But there were days I couldn’t do either. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t make myself read. The thing that helped me was my praise and worship playlist. As a song spoke to me it became part of my list. Some days I’d play the same song over and over and over until I could face the day. I blasted it in my car. I cried as I sang along. Those moments were more worship that a normal Sunday morning service could ever be. You see…it was just me and God so much of the time that He was all I needed to help me find me again. 

So yes…I’m feeling a little more of that spunk that I used to have. I’m being a little more hardheaded and not so easily manipulated. I’m saying no. I’m calling a spade a spade if I need to and not letting things go that should be said. I’m not totally sure it’s all a good thing but I am starting to see that I need to come first in my priorities for awhile.

Anniversaries...

 Sorry to disappoint you if you were checking in to read some happy tribute to some couple on their happy day. Well, I can give you a little of that. Tomorrow (or today for those who are reading this on August 9) is my oldest daughter and her husband’s 13th wedding anniversary. I think they have been together for 18 total years but I could be wrong. It might be 19. It is a joyous occasion! We were greatly blessed when we gained our first son. His mom and I did a really good job setting our kids up together. We take credit for it every year!  Lol!  So yes...happy anniversary baby girl and son in love!  May God bless you with many more happy years! 

But their anniversary was marked with sadness and loss a year ago. Our poor kids. This day now holds some of our happiest and sadness memories. 

It was a Sunday night a year ago and we had settled into our evening routine. Pjs on and a Sunday night movie or show on the tv. I was working on things for the new upcoming school year and thinking about what all I needed to do the coming week. I had missed some days of prep time with my uncle’s funeral a few days before and I was stressing a little. Then the phone rang...

Screaming 

Mom?

Screaming...dad...brother...screaming...

Mom?  I’m on my way!  What’s happened?

Screaming...found your brother...

I yelled at my hubby. He jumped in his truck and took off up the road to my parents’ house. I had to get dressed and was still listening to my mom and trying to make sense of what she was saying. I hung up. Jumped in my car and started calling neighbors for help. They could get there before me. I flew to their house. I don’t know who I called or what I did but when I pulled in and walked to the house it all became so unreal.  Please God, don't let this be happening!

My husband was with my dad and our neighbor at the fence. Dad was distressed. My husband looked at me and shook his head. He was telling me what I didn’t want to know. He was telling me to stay away. I went into the house and found my mom. Again, our neighbors had gotten to her for me. I don’t know how to explain those moments. I don’t think I can. I never have seen my mom that way. I sat and held tight to her and then had to go straight into “take care of things” mode. Phone calls...called family, called minister, called friends, called my girls...called my baby brother...screened calls and messages coming to Mom's phone. Checked on Dad. Another memory I never wanted to have. How could this be real?  How could my brother be...dead? 

We had buried my mom’s brother 3 days before and now we were facing my brother’s death. It has taken me a year to be able to type that or say those words  “my brother’s death.” It’s just unbelievable.  That night is forever burned into my memories.  My uncle came and sat with my mom and just held her.  They had just buried their brother and now this. 

Friends and family members...close friends...started arriving at the house. My oldest daughter, who’s anniversary was that day, came and helped me take care of my mom and dad.  I suspect she was taking care of me too.  

I don’t know what all happened over those next several hours.  I watched investigators come and question my dad as to what had happened.  We honestly don’t know.  My brother fought many demons in his life.  He struggled with hard things and maybe the loss of my uncle was too much for him. He had been in his trailer (he lived in his travel trailer beside my parents’ home) and not been over to see Mom and Dad for a couple of days.  They were worried and Dad went to check on him.  

I hurt for my dad.  My heart aches for my mom.  They spent their lives helping him survive his struggles.  We miss him.  It’s not a secret that he and I were not the closest of siblings but we had made some major steps in the right direction over the last couple of years.  Losing him just when things were somewhat better makes it even more hard.  I feel cheated.  My baby brother...well, he’s struggling too with the loss of his big brother and partner in crime growing up.  

This one year anniversary starts sometime tonight...sometime between the afternoon of the 8th and the evening of the 9th my brother left us for another life.  It’s hard for me to sleep tonight just remembering how he must have struggled.  There’s a song called “There was Jesus” that always makes me think of him.  I pray that he saw Jesus when he left us. I pray he is with him now because only our God could know the struggles that my brother faced and the battles he fought.  I pray that he is celebrating a healthy and happy year with Jesus. 

Bubba...we are one year closer to seeing you again.  I hope you feel all the love that is here for you.  Hug Papa and GrandMary and get Uncle Jim and play us some guitar music.  I bet Papa has some friends around that can grab a fiddle and a banjo too!  That’s how I am going to think of you tonight!  No harp music in heaven tonight just some good ol’ southern guitar and blue grass. 

RIP...WTS...8-9-2020 

REST

Some days are hard. I won’t attempt to explain it but hopefully you can understand. I don’t know how long this process will take. Some days I’m good to go and some days I just want to sleep. It isn’t something I just decide to do. It’s all part of the process I guess. I just wish others understood.  

I deemed this summer my summer to rest and heal and I wasn’t being silly when I said it. It was a long hard year. It wasn’t just because of covid or school but so many other things. It’s been 11 months since we lost my uncle and my brother within a week. The week after that Mike lost his job and school started. Then, we lost another uncle. So, I did what any good daughter, wife, mom, teacher, Nene would do...I stuffed it all back in a nice little box in my memory and started taking care of the day at hand. I worked. I held life together. I supported my husband in searching for jobs. I did whatever I was needed for and I kept all those other things filed away. I kept busy. I didn’t allow myself time to think. But now....as I’ve said before...that box is spilling open as it tumbles off the shelf and each piece has to be picked up and sorted through before filing it away again. That, my friends, is exhausting!

I get overwhelmed with all I need to do from all the things I didn’t do while I was just existing. I’ve had to tell myself to do one thing a day. Some days it is simply getting out of bed and making coffee. I know some of you can’t understand that but it’s how I process. I’ve gone so long with unsettled conditions whirling around me that I need the quiet and solitude to rest. Then other days I need purpose and people. It’s just a crazy process. 

Life is ...let’s say...at a calmer pace right now. I have started feeling a little more like myself again. I still take too many naps and sleep way too late each day but it’s getting better. My little house 🏡 is still a mess from all the things I didn’t take care of for months and I’m slowly dealing with all of that. I remind myself...one thing a day...that’s all I have to do. One thing! My fear is I’m going to run out of summer before I accomplish all the things. 😕 I have online workshops to do before school starts and I need to visit my classroom and set things up. School is going to be here before we know it and I’m honestly not ready. 

Now...no worries about me. Writing helps me work through these stages of grief and anxiety. I just wish I could make others understand that I’ve done all the “just make myself keep going” and “do it anyway” and “fake it til you make it” that I can. I’m not wired to just pretend. Some days I just can’t adult. The world is too peoplely at times and I need the solitude to reconnect with myself. Please don’t take offense if I take a break for awhile. I’m resting. I’m recovering. I’m healing from a mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting year. It’s okay to rest. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to just be. I know I am not alone. I know there are others who have struggled more than I have this year. Please hear me when I say...it’s ok to just breathe. Stop. Rest. Breathe. Pray. And give yourself permission to recover from all that the world has thrown at you.

❤️D~

WAITING ROOMS & HOSPITALS

 Couches and chairs are spread around the room.  People are social distanced, each claiming their own area of the space provide for families.  Doctors come in and out giving results and updating families.  People check the chart for the color codes to know what phase their loved one is in.  Some cuddle under blankets and try to rest.  Others play on their phones, watching shows too loud.  Me?  I'm perched in the back corner, away from everyone but this nice older man waiting on his daughter to come out of recovery.  I'm settled in with my Diet Coke (since there was no Dr. Pepper) and my bag of Hershey's Nuggets with almonds.  (Yes, I am stress eating.)  Why?  My daughter is in surgery.  

Nothing prepares you for all the worry and fear that comes with children.  At first you always worry if you are doing it right...truthfully, I still worry about that and they are all grown!  Then somewhere along the way it turns into worry about everything.  Are their friends good friends?  Are they safe people for them to stay with?  Going swimming?  Will someone be watching them to make sure no one slips under and doesn't come up?  Bike riding?  Stay within sight of the house and don't talk to strangers.  Church camp?  What if they come home sick?  Hospital visits for broken bones, high fever, spider bites, meningitis.  Off to college?  Do you know how to protect yourself?  Tazer?  Pepper spray?  Walk in pairs!  Find my iPhone?  Yes, please.  If your child doesn't call back or text like expected, you can check to see they are okay!  Adulthood?  Is he taking good care of my baby girl?  Is he compassionate?  Is he harsh?  Are they happy?  Childbirth?  Grandbabies?  Oh God please take care of my child and her baby!  Please take care of them during labor and delivery!  Please God!  Broken bones?  Fibroid tumors?  Cysts?  Trips to the ER still...but now you have no say.  You are support, not protector.  Surgeries!  Well....that's me today.  Waiting.  Praying.  Writing. Checking for updates.  Waiting.  

All different walks of life pace across these floors.  Some calm.  Others anxious.  Some sleeping.  Some talking to themselves and just being LOUD!  There's a nice older man beside me waiting on his daughter to be ready to go. Others are not taking their eyes off the screen of updates.  And then there is Debbie.  She is the liason for families.  She circles the room, checking on everyone, giving instructions, providing information, finding ways to make others feel better if possible.  She explains what to expect, where to find restrooms, food, COFFEE, and how to check the color coded update screen.  She keeps the peace.  Silences the noisey...in her sweet and kind way.  She reassures those of us who are anxious and makes sure we know she is here for us.  She makes sure we have her phone number.  

I really didn't know what to write today but I knew I needed to.  My anxiety is bad.  This is my baby girl!  She is in her first surgery!  They put her to sleep!!!  You would think I would be use to this with this child.  She has had me at the hospital with her more than once.  Funny thing today, she knows most of the people working on her surgery from her years of working as a surgery tech.  She was pretty calm.  Giggling and visiting with people she knew.  Me?  I'm so sleepy too!  I did not sleep much last night and would love to close my eyes for a bit...but I know better.  I am the information hub for all the family.  My job is to spread the infor to the important people in her life and keep them updated.  

My eyes are getting heavy.  I better get up and walk a bit....my understanding is it should take a couple of hours.....9:45 was about the start time.  So I have untill 11;45.  Pray I don't fall asleep but can find some energy.  Pray her surgery is easy and that she will recover quickly.  Pray for all those carring for her.  

Who ever said adult children were easy to raise did not know mine! 

D~

ANXIETY SUCKS

 I curl up in my chair to sleep for the night.  Television is off.  Dogs are silent (for a change).  Air conditioner isn't even on.  Only the sounds of crickets and frogs play in the background.  Sleep should be easy....

It starts with just an uneasy and unsettled feeling.  I can't get comfortable.  Nothing feels right.  I stretch out my legs and rub my feet together (something I have always done to calm myself down before sleep).  Nope.  That doesn't help.  My legs feel achy.  They have to move.  I stretch them out and my foot starts shaking.  Nope.  That doesn't help the feeling either.  Heart begins racing...and it feels like hyperventalating breathing beginning.  It's an I-can't-catch-my-breath kind of feeling.  I sit up and grab the peppermint and lavender oils beside me.  Some goes on my arms.  Some on my neck.  A little under my nose.  There...that ought to do it.  NOPE.  Still feel uneasy.  If I wait much longer it will become a full blown attack.  "FINE!"  I think.  "I WILL GET UP AND GET SOME MEDICINE!"  Dig through my bottomless pit of a purse.  Where is that little green bottle?  Getting frustrated.  THERE IT IS!  Take a pill.  Lay down.  Nope.  Can't sleep yet.  Mind starts racing.  Why am I having an attack tonight?  Nothing is wrong!  NOTHING is triggering it.  Why?

Okay, so I will write.  That's what I do when things get like this and I can't do anything else to calm my spirit.  Turn on the computer.  IT IS UPDATING!  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Okay.  BREATE!  Wait for the update to finish.  Login.  Connect to internet.  NO INTERNET CONNECTION FOUND.  Run diagnostic to find and fix problem.  Nothing found.  Run it again.  Still nothing.  Still no internet.  Turn off hot spot on phone.  Shut down phone.  Wait 10 seconds.  Turn phone on again.  Try one more time....one more time and if this doesn't work I may chunk the laptop across the room!  CONNECTION!

Anxiety sucks.  I can't explain where it comes from or why it happens.  I can be driving down the road and singing along to a song and the “chest in my throat” feeling starts.  I can be watching tv and laughing at a show or playing a game on my phone and BAM! It hits from out of nowhere!  Anxiety sucks.  

A common misconception is that anxiety is worry.  I worry too much.  That is probably true, but in these last several years I have learned to worry less and pray more.  Still anxiety grabs hold of me.  The enemy would like me to believe that it is because my faith is weak and that's why I have these attacks.  Still not true.  My faith is probably stronger now than it has ever been because I have had to lean on Jesus and trust God to see me through some really hard days and nights in this past year.  Nope....anxiety is not lack of faith or too much worry.  Some say it comes from not trusting, or from being a perfectionist and being too hard on yourself.  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that it has suddenly reared its ugly head again in my life and I am not happy.  

I guess I should have expected it.  I have deemed this summer my summer of rest, recovery and healing.  This past year truly has been the hardest of my life.  It started with Covid, then the loss of my uncle suddenly, then my brother a week later.  A week after that my hubby lost his job and school started for the hardest year of teaching I have had in my 25 year career.  A few weeks later another uncle passed away.  Three deaths in less than 3 months of close family members.  School is different due to covid protocols.  School was really really hard.  Hubby found a job.  We thought it was perfect and 6 weeks later they let him go...right at Christmas.  The next 5 months were horrible.  I'm still grieving.  He is looking for a job and getting rejection after rejection.  My stress is off the charts and so is his.  We barely survived it.  But now school is out and the hubby has a great new job.  I am still holding my breath a bit just from being disappointed over and over with the others, but I'm trusting that God has us.  

I gave up teaching school this summer to rest.  I have needed to sleep.  I slept almost the whole first week after we got out.  Week two was a little better.  This week I have started trying to accomplish a few things around here.  It's a big job.  We let a lot of things go during those 5 dark months.  Living in our travel trailer makes it even worse.  Clutter is a big deal here!  If I look at it all I get very overwhelmed.  

I read something the other day regarding people with anxiety and depression.  I have both and have for many years.  They are part of my dna and no, I can't just "get happy."  (I had a Facebook "friend" tell me I needed to just get happy and everything would get better.  Oh if it could be that easy.  Needless to say, she has been moved to the Isle of Acquaintances and only sees what I allow her to see on my newsfeed now.)  It's not controllable.  It's not just too much worry.  Tonight had been a good night.  Yet, here I am at 3:30 in the morning typing out my thoughts so that my anxiety can settle back down.  

Sadly, this can be gentic.  I fear I have passed it down to my children and I see it in some of my grandchildren.  We come from a long line of anxious people.  Learning how to cope with it and what to do in the midst of a full blown panic attack is something you have to learn.  I hate it but it is part of me.  I was thankful when talking to one of my doctors last week about the sudden onset of an attack again and how I just didn't know why it was happening again.  He shared his own experience and reassured me that mine was a normal thing.

This summer of healing and rest means my brain is starting to relax and process the events of this past year.  I did a really good job of compartmentalizing those events in nice neat little boxes or files in my head so I didn't have to look at them while working every day.  I needed to be able to function.  But now...now they are toppling out of their boxes and I am having to face them one at a time.  Face them, I must.  But I am allowing myself time.  Only one thing a day gets my attention.  The rest is relaxation or recovery.  I believe this isn't my last attack of the summer.  I'm praying it is, but I know I have just scratched the surface and need to dive deeper into what I'm stuggling with.  I'm trying.  It is just going to have to take a while....one file at a time.  So be easy with me.  Understand if I am showing signs of anxiety.  Please don't lecture or give advice that really does not help at the time.  The only thing I need...we that struggle with anxiety and depression need...is understanding and someone to just be there when we fall.  

One last photo of a saying that I love and it is oh so true....

Love to you all....D

OOPS! STEPPING ON TOES...

 Have you ever thought about what effect your actions have on others?  What kind of example are you setting?  I know some people who have tuned out already and have an “I don’t care” kind of attitude. Hummm...what does that example set for others?  Then there are those who worry too much what people think about what they are doing. I’m really not talking about that kind of thing. I mean those actions that you do naturally or without thinking. Those things that are part of your character. Do you throw trash out the windows?  Leave the shopping cart in a parking space?  Or are you the kind that picks up the trash without asking, holds a door open, says thank you, etc.?  I think I’m even going a little deeper than that...and I don’t mean to step on toes, but is your example showing others a way to Jesus or is it hindering that relationship?  

In Romans 14:21 it says, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall."  This verse has always spoken loudly to me. I know that verse has been used to guilt and shame people but to me it helps me think about how my actions affect others. Example...if I have a drink and I’m a Christian will that cause someone else to begin drinking?  Will I be a hindrance to the recovering alcoholic at our gathering of believers if I drink?  

Now don’t come at me about it being okay or not okay to drink. That’s NOT what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being an example of a follower of Christ in a fallen world. If I don’t stand out as different then how will they know Christ?  If I smoke, drink, curse, dress inappropriately, listen to music or watch movies that do not glorify God, do I lead others to Jesus or do I show that I’m just like the rest of the world?  I promise you, I am NOT perfect and I do not live a spotless life.  I am thinking through these things outloud for myself as well.

Okay, Denise...what is going on with this?  Well, I was faced with this kind of situation recently.  A gathering of friends and people I didn't know well, some Christians, and several drinking.  Sitting there I couldn't help but feel bad for those I KNEW struggled with alcohol issues as they sat around others who were drinking without regard to their issue.  How did it make them feel?  Did they look at us as hypocrits or did we give them permission to drink again after so long working to stay sober?   I struggle with these thoughts often. I don't ever want to be the reason somone stumbles.

Do I drink?  Sometimes.  Do I drink publicly?  No....  Why?  This example thing is a big part of it.  Now I know, I know that many reading are like...WHY?  It is the most foreign thing in the world to some but for me it is a big deal.  Drinking is just one example. It could be the language I use...yes, I mess up there too much too!  It can be the places I go or don't go (I miss worship way more than I should), the music I listen to (I love some country music), or anything I do that make up my character...my example.   Anything I do I want to test against what Jesus would do in that situation.  I can't always think about how others will interpret or judge my actions, but to the best of my ability I want to set an example that will lead others closer to Jesus.  I want to stand out as different from this world and not part of it.  I fail at this way more than I want to admit, but it is always in the back of my mind.

I honestly didn't start this to step on toes, so please do not think I am talking to you or about you.  I'm not.  I'm thinking out loud or in writing...processing like I do.  As a mom, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend, educator, Christian....I want to do things to the best of my ability and to be cognizant of my exmple.  I don't want to do anything in a judgy way, but out of love and out of being true to myself.  Whether we like it or not...people watch what we do or don't do.  People notice who is real with what they believe and who is not.  It has been said before and I'll share it here as I close...

"Your life will preach louder than your words."  

It's okay to be different.  

Denise

AND IT ALL COMES TUMBLING DOWN...

 I don't want to write...but I need to write.  I don't want to unravel the nice neat package I have all my stressors tied up in, but I need to.  I don't want to process the pain from this past year, but it keeps coming up and creating moments of anxiety and panic attacks.  I don't want to do this...but I have to.

I said when I started writing again that I was going to keep things real and keep this blog open to the public instead of hiding it away in privacy settings.  It is going to be hard for me to keep this open if I truly venture into the things I need to process.  I don't like being that honest, but again, I have felt like this is what I am supposed to do.  I don't even really know where to start....

Covid 19...I can start there, I guess.  I know I have written a little about it, but maybe not all that it took from me.  I was one of those people who did what I was told to do.  I spent MONTHS at home with my only contact being with my immediate family.  I stayed confined to the "compound" we live on with my parents and my brother at the time.  I missed getting to go to my classroom and spend time with my students.  I missed getting to hang out with friends and co-workers.  I missed being able to go to church.  Then the riots came following the death of George Floyd.  Now, not only did a virus paralyze me, but fear of what was happening in the world around us had my anxiety on high.  Things really had gotten to a point of such fear that I couldn't even go into Dallas to see my doctor.  I just did not feel safe anywhere but at home.  My fear intensified at the very thought of the possibility of giving my parents a virus that could kill them.  I didn't worry about myself, but I was so afraid I would accidentally give it to my parents without knowing I had it.  It is not good what lies the evil one can whisper in your ear when you are isolated.  

Even with all the fear that Covid brought, it did give me something positive too.  You see, the summer of 2020, while we were still "sheltered at home" as much as possible, allowed me some time with my brother.  Time I would not have had otherwise.  Time I would have skipped.  Time I wish I could have back.  This is why I don't want to unpack this....this is where I don't want to go.  This is what is keeping me up at night.  This is why I don't want to write...but I need to.  This is the hard part.

I read an old post in my other blog (my private one that very few people have ever seen or read).  In that post I was ranting about my family.  I obviously was not in a happy place with them.  I was so angry.  Sounded like I was beyond angry with my brothers and pretty mad at my parents too.  (Sorry Mom, if you are reading this, it was during one of Bubba's mean days I think.)  I wanted a do-over.  I wanted a different family.  I didn't want to deal with the constant drama any more.  I was done!  Man...today, I would be happy to get to deal with one of those days again. 

For those who don't know me well, or our family, I have two brothers.  Both are younger than me.  I was 6 when my first brother was born and 11 when my youngest brother was born.  They were 12 and 8 when I got married and left home.  I really didn't "grow up" with them.  I was busy raising my family while they were navigating the worlds of middle school and then high school and college.  I wasn't there to help them or protect them.  Things I wish I could have done.  In some ways we were two different families.  The family that I had been part of when they were little and then the family they became when I moved out.  Looking back, I wish I had been more connected to them, but raising babies, finishing college, managing a home and being a wife kept me pretty busy.

Sadly, my relationship with my brothers was not always very good.  My youngest brother and I got along fine.  I was the "second" mom for him and I spoiled him.  He was my living baby doll.  But my first brother and I fought from the time he realized going into my bedroom would make me mad.  I loved him and loved teaching him things when he was a baby, but soon he began to require more and more of Mom's attention and I'm sure my resentment towards him began to grow even way back then.  He was not a healthy baby.  He had had to have some surgeries when he was very little and was sick a lot with ear infections, I think.  He cried a lot!  I remember one night when he had been crying, asking Mom if we could return him to the hospital.  I was only 6 or 7 at the time but I had had enough.  He was needy and keeping me from my mom and dad.  He also figured out he could cry and say I was being mean and I would be in trouble.  He was too smart for his own good even as a little kid.  

My oldest brother and I continued to not have a wonderful relationship as he got older and became an adult.  He had struggles that none of us can imagine.  When people say they face their own demons, I believe he had some that he had to face.  We disagreed on so much.  I was the bad guy a lot.  I called him out when he was doing wrong.  I didn't like seeing him get away with things that I knew I would have been in trouble for as a child.  I didn't let him talk to me like he tried to talk to others.  He loved to talk down to people and try to make them feel dumb.  (He had a brilliant mind.)  If you know me, you know I didn't put up with that.  My temper would come out and I would put him in his place if I had a chance.  Our fights hurt my mom I'm sure.  She hated our disagreements.  She, like most parents, just wanted her children to get along and love each other.  I tried, but for many years he didn't even claim me as his sister.  I'm sure it was my fault in some ways, but I had to put up some boundaries years back to protect myself and my family from his lashing out.  It was not a good relationship for many many years.  

But last summer, covid summer of 2020, we had some time together.  It really had started before then.  My husband and I moved out here onto the family land in the summer of 2018 and that fall it started to rain and rained every day for months.  We were (still are at this time) living in our travel trailer in the middle of a pasture that was now surrounded by water and mud.  I ended up living at my parents' house for most of that school year because I could not get to my "house."  My oldest brother was living in his travel trailer beside my parents' house at the time as well.  We spent lots of time together at our parents' house that year.  Not all of those moments were good but many of them were.  I remember one night when he came in late and made some coffee.  He asked me, "Sis, do you want some coffee?"  I was shocked!  First he called me "Sis" and second he offered to make me some coffee!  These things just did not happen, but during those days they did.  I look back now and am thankful for those months of living at my parents.  I was frustrated back then, but now I can see how God was giving me time...time to mend our relationship.  

Fast forward back to this past summer.  We had another chance to spend time together.  Our parents had loaded up and headed to Colorado with friends for some camping in their 5th wheels.  Mom and Dad loved to get away from time to time and with some of the difficulties with my brother, they needed it more often.  That left me to be his go to person.  He didn't drive and so if he needed things from town, I would have to help him.  Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to that.  Have I mentioned that he could be difficult?   Then there was my new dog.  We had a new puppy, a Belgian Malinois, often confused with a German Shepherd but with short hair.  My brother LOVED my dog.  He wanted my dog.  Truth is, he loved animals and absolutely was crazy for my puppy.  It was another something we could connect on.  I was watering Mom's plants while they were gone and so Koda and I would go up to water and visit with my brother.  Those were nice days.  I treasure them now.

Summer rolled on and then August came and we got the news that my uncle had passed away suddenly on August 1st.  We had his funeral in the midst of all the covid protocols and then on August 9th, my brother died.  My brother died.  I still have a hard time saying that...and typing it.  I still can not wrap my mind around it.  It is still unreal.  How can my brother have died?  Why did he die?  Why did he have to die?  WHY!?!?  That night will forever scream in my brain.  Finishing supper, phone ringing, Mom's calling, Mom is screaming.  All I hear is Dad, brother's name, and dead.  I have no idea what is happening.  All I hear is screaming.  Not sure if it was Mom or me at that point.  

The rest became a blur.  Hubby jumped up and took off to their house.  I had to put on clothes.  I was dressed for bed.  Phone calls to neighbors for help.  Phone calls to someone else...not sure who...I just can't remember.  I think I called my girls.  Maybe my hubby called them.  I just remember getting there, running across the back yard, seeing my daddy at the gate with my husband.  The look on my husband's face.  I couldn't see Dad's at the time.  Running in the house to find Mom.  Our neighbors had beat me there.  She was with Mom.  Oh my poor mom....

Something clicked...take care of things mode...ON.  Protector mode...ON.  Caretaker mode...ON.  Oldest child mode...ON.  Make phone calls.  Monitor phone calls.  Manage company.  Check on Mom.  Check on Dad. Text baby brother.  Text daughters and check on them.   Answer questions.  Wait for medical examiner.  Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  I don't know if I even cried that night.  Everything was such a blur and so unbelievable.  But I didn't have time to let it all sink in.  I learned a long time ago how to "suck it up" and put things in a neat little box somewhere in my mind to deal with later, and that is what I did.  I had to make sure my mom was okay.  She just lost her brother and now her son.  I had to make sure my dad was okay.  He had found my brother and had to tell mom and call 911.  Oh...there were all these things....I just can't unpack them all....not yet.

Grief doesn't let those boxes stay packed.  Grief shakes them around and let's things spill out at the most inopportune times.  Driving down the road...and suddenly you can't breathe because something shook the box.  Paralyzing anxiety and sadness that spill out and force you to stay in bed for a day.  Tears that will not stop. Seeing your loved one, but it's not really him, riding his bike down the road and you start to pull over and see if he wants a ride....then realize it isn't him.  It can't be him.

Anger. Anger at him.  Anger at God.  Anger at the situation.  Anger at the reason for his death...or what we suspected at the time.  Anger with myself for wasting years.  Anger because we had just started to mend our relationship and now...now we can't do more.  Anger because that last day I saw him...I was irritated with him and did not spend the time I should have with him.  Oh this emotional roller coaster has so many dips and turns that I'm not sure how to survive it.  

This is what is starting to open up again.  This is the box on the shelf that is starting to tumble off and spill everywhere.  I really am not ready to look at it all again, but I know I must.  This summer, this time to rest, grieve, and heal is the time to unpack these things and deal with them.  Writing it one way I do that.  This is going to be a difficult journey.  I have avoided opening up my laptop because I do NOT want to do this.  But, here I am, taking deep breaths and trying to just take things as they come.  

LIFE ON PAUSE

 Have you ever just sat and wondered about when life would be normal again?  This weekend, as I sat looking out the window at the rain soaked world, I just became so frustrated and anxious.  I normally love a good rainy day with nothing to do but sleep and veg out on movies.  Not this weekend.  I was fit to be tied.  My hubby kept asking me what was wrong to which my answer was, "I don't know!"  

It hit me later while we were watching a movie.  I had asked my husband to pause the movie while I was out of the room and when I came back in he was busy doing something and didn't immediately restart the movie.  I had to ask him to take it off of pause.  That got me thinking...our life has felt like it was on pause for a long time now and I'm ready to press play again.

We have been living in limbo it seems for way too long.  After the husband's last layoff from work, we have gone 5 months searching and waiting for things to kick back into gear.  We don't go anywhere.  We don't spend any money.  We don't plan anything.  We just simply exist right now and that is wearing me down.  How do you live when life is so uncertain?  How do you keep planning, dreaming, moving forward?  I don't know the answer because we have not been able to do it.  

For the last 5 months...really more than that...we have just been existing.  Get up, I go to work, he looks for jobs, come home, eat dinner, watch tv, fight with the dog, go to bed.  Repeat!  Every day!  With the job loss, money being tight, covid still attacking people we love, we have been cooped up alone...together...and seriously just existing.  It has been hard.  No joy in it.  I'm thankful I at least have had my job to go to to keep me busy and my mind from being totally idle.  

There are so many things I want to do.  I want to be able to go out to dinner.  I want to start planning the house we want to build.  I want to buy more rock to finish our driveway.  I want to travel.  I want to just feel secure for a little while instead of feeling like I have to horde everything for a rainy day that is bound to hit us again.  It just feels like a horrible roller coaster ride that we just can't seem to get off of.  I need a break from the dreary, mundane, blah life that we have been surviving.  Instead I want to be living...thriving...growing...becoming....  None of those things can happen on PAUSE!

Unknown....

 

     

    Here we are again...Saturday night and my brain is all over the place.  That urge to write/blog is constantly with me lately, but at the same time I feel like I have nothing to say.  It is driving me crazy.  My solution was to just pick up my computer and start typing.  Now the lyrics "Into the Unknown...." keep playing in my head.  LOL!  

     In the past, when I wrote/blogged, I always had a prompt in mind.  Something would be bouncing around in this head of mine and I would have to get it out so I could concentrate on other things.  Well...that is not the case lately.  The prompting to write is there but the clear cut topic is missing.  I think some of the problem is that there are too many things bouncing round in my head and I'm not sure where to start.  Thus the title...UNKNOWN!

    I guess I can start with today, Saturday, day after my second Moderna shot to battle Covid-19.  The day after my first shot was rough.  I pretty much felt like a truck had hit me and I wanted to just curl up and cry.  Today has not been that bad.  My body aches some and my head has hurt.  Tonight my stomach is joining the party and not feeling so great, but I have not run fever or had chills like before. (Well, I did run a little fever today, Sunday, and had chills last night.  Crazy shot!)  I'm counting this as a good sign.  I am hoping that this shot does what it is supposed to and protects me from this virus...which will help me in return protect those I love from it.  You see, that is why I got the vaccine.  I was opposed to it at first, but then I watched my parents grieve the loss of a close friend who passed away from covid.  I've had my mom beg me to get the vaccine.  She has just been sure that if I got the virus I would be in bad shape due to my asthma and high blood pressure.  She probably is right, however it seems very likely that I have already had the virus.  Supposedly if you are really sick after the first dose of the Moderna vaccine then you probably have already had covid.  (That's what I have been told several times...once by a nurse.)  I'm not sure I believe that but who knows.  

    So here I am still in the same pjs from this morning...yes, I know that is just terrible...don't judge.  LOL!  I just didn't feel like even getting dressed.  I spent the day in my recliner with my hubby waiting on me hand and foot!  (Don't tell him I said that!  LOL!)  He does spoil me and even though he acts like it puts him out at times to take care of me, I know he really does love me and worries about me.  These past several months have probably put that to the test though.  To say life has been easy for us would be a lie.  But the thing that I am realizing over and over again is that those hard times are what have made us stronger.  

    We are ending month 3 of unemployment for my hubby.  It has been brutal at times.  The job search is not as easy on a middle aged man.  I so wish I could make things happen faster and be just what is best for him.  It would be nice to see him happy again with his work.  He has been floating along from unfulfilling job to unfulfilling job for the last several years.  It would be so nice for him to find his niche in this world again.  That has been my prayer.  

    Let me brag on God for a bit.  These 3 months of unemployment have been super hard on us.  Emotionally it has been a beating.  Financially, we have been blessed.  Let me explain.  When my husband was let go from the job he had just gotten and been on for about 6 weeks, he was not given a clear reason why they were letting him go.  They tried to say he did not have the qualifications that he had on his resume, which was a lie.  They tried to say he wasn't doing his job, which was another lie.  He was doing exactly what he had been hired to do and did what his supervisors asked him to do.  He was totally blindsided by being let go.  We had really thought this was going to be the place he would settle in and make a career again.  We thought this job was the answer to our prayers.  We were so wrong.  We were also afraid that he would not qualify for unemployment by the way they were letting him go...  The good news was that Texas Workforce Commission found in their investigation that he was wrongfully terminated!  In other words...they lied about why they were letting him go.  This meant he would qualify for unemployment benefits.  

    I never thought we would become experts on unemployment but we have over the last several years.  We have had to file several times.  It isn't much money usually.  It normally is about 1/2 what a regular pay check would be.  I don't know how people live that way.  Honestly!  But God has been part of this with us.  Due to the pandemic, benefits have had an extra $300 added to them.  That doesn't quite get him back to his normal pay, but it is better than before.  So every 2 weeks he requests payment and then a check is deposited to our account for two weeks unemployment.  

    Again, I never thought we would understand all that we do about unemployment or even admit that we are surviving on it, but I feel that I need to let God be glorified in what is happening.  You see, this time of year with all the rain and mud would be the time of year that the hubby would not work much.  He works outdoors in the elements and operates heavy equipment such has backhoes, loaders, etc.  (That's about all I know about it.  LOL)  Anyhow, he wouldn't be bringing in much money right now due to the weather we have had.  Thankfully, unemployment doesn't depend on weather and we have had a steady check for 3 months.  Now before you say anything about sitting around earning a free check, it is not free.  The way I see it is that he has paid in his fair share of unemployment taxes over the years and he is just getting some of that money back when he needs it.  He also has to be actively looking for work.  I can't tell you how many applications he has submitted.  It has been a minimum of 3 a week (required) but more like 5-10 per week.  You would think that would be enough!  However, the job interviews he has gone on have had so many applicants for one job that it is just crazy!  I keep praying and believing that God has the right job out there for him and that when it is time, things will fall into place.  But until then, we keep searching and praying and trusting.

      Another way that God has been all over this is allowing those benefits to be extended.  Again, due to this pandemic, the government extended benefits.  This is a blessing because we have almost used up the amount of benefits allotted to my hubby.  Yes...there is a limit to unemployment.  We thought we were about to run out and then they extended them.  Again, I just have to thank God for keeping us provided for.  Our bills are being paid...on time... and we are able to take care of our basic needs.  I've also been able to put back the last stimulus check for savings and for when we need it.  I plan to put the new stimulus check in savings too if we ever get it!  We are not rolling in money by any means, but we are making ends meet and not struggling like I feared. 

    At the beginning of this unemployment season, a scripture kept coming to my mind.  It was the 23rd Psalms.  The phrase, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..." is what has kept me going.  When fear has started to take over, I recite this phrase..  When panic tries to overcome me, I recite this phrase.  Some days I recite it over and over and over just to calm my spirit.  The thing that these times of uncertainty do for me is to remind me who I can depend on always.  We've seen jobs come and go.  We've seen friends come and go as well.  Some people don't seem to be able to handle high stress situations and the people going through them.  No shame in that, it just means we have learned to walk alone through many storms and fires.  But through it all, God has been with us.  I know that.  I will give Him the credit for every good and perfect gift and every little provision as well.  

  So that's where we are.  We are still waiting.  We are still believing.  We are still praying.  I know that I know that I know that God is in control.  I don't know what the plan is.  I don't know why we have been chosen to walk this path, but I want to make sure that I see God's hand in all the blessings we have received.  Now, don't get me wrong...I tell/ask God every single day to end this time of waiting and to provide that perfect job for my hubby.  I tell/ask Him daily to watch over us and to be with the hubby as he continues to apply for jobs and work through rejection that has plagued him over these past several years.  We'd love for you to join us in our prayer.  Specifically...pray for a job for my husband.  A job that will provide for our family and allow us to continue to pay off our debt and to build a house sometime in the near future.  Pray for a job that will provide my husband with benefits such as insurance so that he can continue his work in getting healthier.  That's another story for another time.  We are both working on our health.  So much we are learning in this time in the desert.  

    Wisdom for today...look for the good in whatever you are going through.  It may be hard to see at times, and even harder to understand, but look for God in what is happening around you.  If you seek...you will find Him there.  

Blessings...Denise

    

Taking that first step....

     Well, here I am again...rereading the blogs I have worked on over the years.  Some have been for me, some have been for encouragements for friends.  Some have just been processing the world around me as I try to survive day to day life.  In all, I have 3 different blogs.  One is totally private.  It is my "diary" in some ways.  The second is partially open to only a few trusted friends who encourage me to write.  Then there is this one.  It is totally public...which scares the daylights out of me!  Being totally open for anyone anywhere to read and judge just scares me.  It is just one of my fears...looking stupid or sounding uneducated.  PLUS, who am I to tell anyone anywhere how to live life?  

  So why in the world am I doing this AGAIN?  Because I am supposed to do it.  I won't say "God told me to, " because that would freak a lot of people out...including myself, if I am honest.  But, I will say that the message hit me at a time that a lesson about walking in faith and your purpose was being taught and I had this clear-as-day picture come into my mind of writing and speaking.  If you think writing for people to read my thoughts scares me...the idea of speaking to adults may send me into cardiac arrest!  My first instinct was to tell God NO!  He knows I don't speak in front of adults.  I won't even pray out loud in front of women that I trust with my life!  It is just not me!  Which is even more reason why now I have to start this process.    Remember Jonah?  Yeah, well, the belly of a big fish is NOT where I want to end up!  

    Now the hard part begins...not writing, that is easy.  I just throw all my jumbled thoughts out onto a page and try to make them make sense.  The hard part is sharing what I am writing.  Sharing it with those who know me best.  Sharing with those who know I am nobody...just a country girl who grew up in the same town ALL HER LIFE and became a wife, mother, teacher and grandmother in the process.  I'm just a girl...I guess I should say woman...who has lived life as it has come.  Some good.  Some bad.  Some UGLY.  Nothing in particular makes my life...my story...any more important than anyone else's.  Matter-of-fact, many of you have more interesting stories and testimonies than I do.  

    The fact that this will be hard for me to do makes your job as the reader the most important job.  I need your feedback even if it is just a thumbs up letting me know you read my writing.  I have quit writing as many times as I have started.  Kind of like the diets I have done.  LOL!  I start off strong writing at least once a week and keeping things on track.  Then, I get overly judgmental of my words and stop.  In my mind I tell myself that no one is reading this crazy stuff so why do I keep doing it. Then I start believing that my being nobody with nothing to offer is proof that I should just give up on this crazy idea and go back to doing something like playing games on my phone.  Fear stops me.  Fear tells me that I am not good enough at this so I should give up.  Fear tells me that nobody really cares and that most see my writing as just dumb.  Yep!  That is what fear tells me.  

    I need you.  I need you to interact with my writing if you feel led to.  Again, just letting me know you took the time to read by liking the post will make a difference.  I need that encouragement to keep going.  I'm not sure what this will turn into.  Maybe it will become a book of my journey through life...maybe it will just be a blog.  Maybe it will become my profession after I retire from teaching.  Who knows!  All I know is that I am feeling prodded and pushed to write again.  I have often asked God to reveal what my purpose and ministry are supposed to be.  I also told Him what I didn't want to do.  LOL.  I think He laughs at me every time I tell Him MY plans.  

    My tidbit of wisdom tonight is simple.  Trust God.  He knows what He is doing.  I will elaborate on that story next time.  For now....just trust Him!  If you have read this far....thank you!  Maybe soon you will see more posts.  

Blessings....Denise