Some days are hard. I won’t attempt to explain it but hopefully you can understand. I don’t know how long this process will take. Some days I’m good to go and some days I just want to sleep. It isn’t something I just decide to do. It’s all part of the process I guess. I just wish others understood.
I deemed this summer my summer to rest and heal and I wasn’t being silly when I said it. It was a long hard year. It wasn’t just because of covid or school but so many other things. It’s been 11 months since we lost my uncle and my brother within a week. The week after that Mike lost his job and school started. Then, we lost another uncle. So, I did what any good daughter, wife, mom, teacher, Nene would do...I stuffed it all back in a nice little box in my memory and started taking care of the day at hand. I worked. I held life together. I supported my husband in searching for jobs. I did whatever I was needed for and I kept all those other things filed away. I kept busy. I didn’t allow myself time to think. But now....as I’ve said before...that box is spilling open as it tumbles off the shelf and each piece has to be picked up and sorted through before filing it away again. That, my friends, is exhausting!
I get overwhelmed with all I need to do from all the things I didn’t do while I was just existing. I’ve had to tell myself to do one thing a day. Some days it is simply getting out of bed and making coffee. I know some of you can’t understand that but it’s how I process. I’ve gone so long with unsettled conditions whirling around me that I need the quiet and solitude to rest. Then other days I need purpose and people. It’s just a crazy process.
Life is ...let’s say...at a calmer pace right now. I have started feeling a little more like myself again. I still take too many naps and sleep way too late each day but it’s getting better. My little house 🏡 is still a mess from all the things I didn’t take care of for months and I’m slowly dealing with all of that. I remind myself...one thing a day...that’s all I have to do. One thing! My fear is I’m going to run out of summer before I accomplish all the things. 😕 I have online workshops to do before school starts and I need to visit my classroom and set things up. School is going to be here before we know it and I’m honestly not ready.
Now...no worries about me. Writing helps me work through these stages of grief and anxiety. I just wish I could make others understand that I’ve done all the “just make myself keep going” and “do it anyway” and “fake it til you make it” that I can. I’m not wired to just pretend. Some days I just can’t adult. The world is too peoplely at times and I need the solitude to reconnect with myself. Please don’t take offense if I take a break for awhile. I’m resting. I’m recovering. I’m healing from a mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting year. It’s okay to rest. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to just be. I know I am not alone. I know there are others who have struggled more than I have this year. Please hear me when I say...it’s ok to just breathe. Stop. Rest. Breathe. Pray. And give yourself permission to recover from all that the world has thrown at you.
❤️D~
