The New Way of Life...Teaching 2020

 Here we are again...Monday...quarantine and online teaching week 2!  So much fun!  To say that I have been a bit overwhelmed is an understatement!  I think I have even worried my hubby a bit.  I live on the edge of tears.  You see, this thing called teaching is not something I take lightly...nor do most teachers that I know.  We have great pride in what we do.  Not pride that is negative but pride that means we want to do a good job no matter what!

So online teaching has been thrust upon us!  Sounds like a dream job...right?  NO!  Not for someone who spends their days with children because we want to!  No...it is not a dream job.  It is something that is causing much anxiety and stress for almost every educator I know. 

So why stress?  What is the big deal?  The kids!  That's the big deal!  We have dedicated our lives to the lives of children and their education and well being.  We want to see them become better versions of themselves from year to year.  We love watching the growth from the day one to the last day of their time in our care.  We take pride in helping them become independent thinkers and problem solvers.  We miss them and we care about what their daily lives are like now, without our guidance and care. 

Most of them have a safe place to be...many do not.  Many are home alone now.  They may be the caregivers for their young siblings.  Some of them are worried about food and wait anxiously daily for the school bus to deliver their lunch.  Some are just alone.  It breaks my heart knowing they are feeling some of these big feelings that we too feel but do not have us there to reassure them. 

The other stress comes from being thrown into a learning world that we are just not accustom to.  One of my girls said today, "Welcome to teaching like a college professor without the pay!"  LOL!  I thought how true that statement was.  I've taken my share of online classes and most of those were classes I had some knowledge about and felt like I would be fine without the daily interaction with a professor or with classmates.  But there were those classes that I NEEDED that direct instruction.  I needed to hear the ideas and thinking of other students and I needed the explanations of someone more knowledgeable than myself. Online just would not have worked in those situations and I know that is how some of these children are feeling.  They need the interactions of classmates and teachers.  They need the reassurance that they are doing it right.  They need the community that school provides.  And frankly...so do I!

But here we are...learning by hands on and trial and error how to set up Google Classrooms and ZOOM meetings while converting work into Google slides or docs that can be completed online and submitted.  Teaching from a screen.  Talking to a group of kids while they lay in their beds, or wrestle with their siblings.  Some were even been mocked by family members for trying to do their work and joining our virtual class.  The plus...and probably the only plus I can find in all of this right now is that I can do 90% of my job in my pjs!  Yes!  That is a plus!
 
The other problem of this new way of life is the anxiousness that I must control at almost all times.  My poor husband has seen this near the edge of a breakdown in me several times lately.  I must hold things together to teach my kiddos and show a calm and relaxed disposition while I answer their questions about when will we be able to go back to school.  I must ease their fears when they mention this virus that has taken over our world and changed life as we know it.  I must do all these things while trying to calm the fear in myself.  Will we go back to school?  What if we don't?  What about this virus?  Is it going to be safe to go back?  Is this virus as bad as they say or are they making it a bigger deal than it really is?  What if..... and then the anxiety kicks into full gear again. 

It is hard for me to control those same fears and emotions that they are feeling because you see one of my own is on the front lines of this war with a virus.  She is double gowned and gloved.  Doubled masked and shielded.  Extra precautions put in place as she daily goes into this battle to help others who may or may not be infected.  No...I don't rest easy.  I pray constantly.  I trust her abilities and her cautious ways, but even then she is not 100% safe. 

She is also extremely tired.  She's worked more hours in the last two weeks than she normally does.  Last night she was working on about 3 hours of sleep and trying to take a test for a college class after being on call all weekend.  I hate it for her.  Not only does she have the added pressures from work, she also is a mom with two kiddos out of school.  She now is not only a working mom,  part time student, but also a home school teacher for her children.  The pressure is almost too great for any one person.  I see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice when she calls to chat on her way home from work.  She is holding it together.  Don't her part.  Helping others and trying to take care of her babies too. 

Then there is my other daughter who also is a mom, a full time teacher and a full time student.  She too has the added responsibilities of being a mom to three girls who need her as a mom and now she must be their teacher too while also taking on the same responsibilities of teacher for her full time class of kiddos via the internet!  I'm not really sure how she is doing it.  I see the stress in her eyes and hear it in her voice  Full time job...full time parent...full time home school teacher for her own children...part time student.

One bright side is that I have gotten to watch my youngest child shine as she has also taken on the role of online teacher during this, her first year of teaching.  To say I am impressed and proud are an understatement!  She has really done a great job and I am so inspired by her.  Don't tell her that I said all this...she doesn't like me bragging on her too much now days.  But I am so very proud!  She is a great teacher!  Her babies are lucky to have her and I'm thankful that she knows more about this technology stuff than I do so she can help me some too!  ;)

So tonight instead of thinking about all these crazy stressful things, I and thinking of my oldest child and wishing I was with her.  You see, tomorrow is her birthday.  With the "shelter at home" and all the rain we are having, I will not get to see her tomorrow.  That makes my heart very sad.  Birthdays and celebrations are very important to our family.  This time of social distancing has taken those things away from so many people.  My grandson will be missing out on his birthday party in the next week as well.  It is just now fair, but it is what we must do for now to protect all those that we love. 

I hope we can celebrate them both very soon.  Until then, I will leave you with these photos of the one who made me a momma and taught me about love that is beyond understanding.  Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  You are a blessing to us all! 

Quarantine...Day 11..or 999...who knows!

Here it is again, 1:00 a.m. and I am WIDE AWAKE!  I'm listening to my hubby sleep soundly beside me and listening to the random BEEP or TWEET or whatever sound our detector is making since I accidentally flooded the sink and poured water down on the sensors....but that's another story!  Travel trailer living at its finest, let me tell ya!


So today I went to work for the ONE day we get to be in our classrooms.  We are now under a "shelter at home" order or we will be by midnight tonight...or tomorrow...or whenever it is!  I'm learning so many new vocabulary words during this PANDEMIC!  I am also reading so many legal documents to see what I can and can not do.  Luckily, so far, the hubby is allowed to work because his job is "essential."  As I read through our counties' ruling and then the Dallas County rules again, I am struck with the thought that many many many businesses are still "essential" to our every day life and are allowed to be open.  It is really those places where we might "hang out" or spend time visiting with others that are shut down.  This is all so new and different.  It is definitely not my cup of tea!

Today was hard.  I cried several times.  My heart is just sad at what is not happening.  As I drove by the Jr. High this morning at a time when buses should have been pulling out in front of me and cars should have been anxiously waiting for me to pass so they could turn in to the drive and drop off their kiddo, I began the first of my break downs.  The place was dark and too quiet.  No cars, no buses, no kids....nothing....  I headed on to Sonic to pick up my daily large water with blackberry and peach then to the cleaners to drop off my laundry.  I was going to be at school an hour early even on a late arrival day.  Typical me.

My youngest child called and asked me to meet her at the new smoothie shop to grab something for breakfast.  After much arm twisting, I met her up there.  She's a regular there and it was my first time.  Then my oldest child showed up and we had a family reunion at 7:30 a.m.!  I even was able to see 3 of my grands to start my day.  I should have been elated.  This should have started my day off better than most days, but sadly, it didn't.  Sadly it caused more anxiety.  You see, every time I see one of my kids or grands I worry that I might give them this germ that has taken a hold of our nation...really the world...and squeezed all the joy of human connection out of people.  I don't so much worry about the kids or grands giving me the virus, even though I am one of the more vulnerable, but I worry about myself carrying the virus to them.  Then, worse yet...I worry about carrying something to my parents who are in a higher risk category than I am.  All these feelings just seemed to add to the sadness that I felt building up in me today.

First to school, as usual, and I walked in, greeted the janitorial staff and headed up to my room where I was instructed to stay until further directions.  Six feet apart at all times from other teachers.  No mingling in the hallways or copy room or lounge.  (Have I ever mentioned that teachers don't follow the rules very well?  Well, we don't!)  Soon there was a circle outside my door...six feet or more apart, but our team, circled up and catching up after a week and a half apart.  I love my little team.  I had missed them.  As we sat there talking about the events of this world and the events that our day held before us without students, tears started again rolling down my cheeks.  I could not stop them.  May I never ever take for granted what a privilege it is to be a teacher and work where I work.  Today was hard.  Empty desks.  Quiet halls.  A mere building with teachers without students to teach.  Tears.

I spent the better part of the day trying to reach my homeroom parents by phone.  Asking them questions to assure that their child had access to the online learning platform we will be using.  Checking on my kiddos and their parents.  Reminding them of all the things that they need to work on and reassuring them that I am just a message away to help.  Telling them that I hoped to see their faces again soon.  Never have I ever missed a bunch of kids like I am missing these right now!

You see, I usually have the last quarter of school to prepare to let them go...to train them to be a little more independent and self monitoring and to be ready for jr. high.  Time to work on those last minute skills before our big state assessment and then time to read a novel for the pure enjoyment of a well written story.  Time...that has now been taken away from us.  Time that we can not regain.  Time that will now be spent through a computer screen.

 One of the online assignments I am planning on working on with the kids is for them to write their own "I Survived" book.  It will be the "I Survived the Pandemic of 2020."  Their true story told by themselves.  It ought to be fun!  I can't wait to read their stories.  I'm hoping I can make it all happen like I see it in my head.  Maybe we could even bind the final copy of their stories into a collection of personal experiences during the time the "school shut down."

Since I am having my kids write about their experiences during this time, I thought I might do the same.  I'm not normally an everyday kind of writer/blogger, but during these days there is just so much to write about.  Like the edge of tears all day today that I have felt, followed by an unexpected panic attack...which led to medicine and a long nap.  If we are following the cause and effect snowball, you can see why I am still awake at this time of night/morning.

I had several things bouncing around in my head as I got ready to start writing tonight and they don't always make sense to me until the end.  Sometimes they never really make sense to me but to someone else, they are just what they needed to hear.  Well...sorry, I don't have much, if any, wisdom today.  I honestly feel spent.  Tired.  Drained.  It's hard to make sure you have covered everything when you are too tired or stressed to do normal functions...like sleeping.

So "shelter at home" is a thing now.  I should have plenty of time to write while also figuring out all the ends and out of Google Classroom and other programs we use to present instruction on concepts.  Wish me luck!

Since today's writing isn't the fun or lighthearted writing that I try to do, let me leave you with a story or an image.  Picture this:  our barn with the travel trailer parked under it, surrounded by a new lake...which looks more like a mote..on 3 sides.  To leave in my car I have no choice but to drive through the deepest part of the mote.  It is also too wet beyond the mote to turn the car around and drive out like normal.  So....with my laundry in tow...I throw things in my car, ask my hubby to pray for me, start the car and .... I didn't punch it, but I gave it the gas it needed...baking up the whole way....and I made it to the partial rock drive at the gate.  Whew!  I made it out!  Slipping and sliding but I made it out! And that is how my day started.  Just another fun filled day in the trailerhood!  LOL! 

Have fun out there.  Take care of each other.  Be safe!   Stay home and read something good for your soul!

In Him...Denise

Anxiety

Nothing fancy in my title tonight....or should I say this morning.  It is March 23, 2020.  It should be a regular Monday morning.  I should be getting ready to go back to school after a restful, much needed, spring break.  I should be stressing a little about the two weeks until the STAAR test for my kids.  (Man, I wish that was what I was stressing over.  Never thought I would miss that test!)  I should be thinking about my son-in-law's birthday being today or the fact that this was the actual due date of my oldest daughter, who was stubborn and was born a week later.  LOL!  I should be thinking of all these things.  Really, I should be sleeping right now...12:11 a.m. on March 23, 2020, but that's not happening tonight.

The news has been crazy.  Facebook has been crazy.  Every ounce of media has been bombarded with doom and gloom about this virus.  COVID19, corona virus, the end of life as we know it!  Well...that's what it seems like after listening to the news and reading social media.  It is enough to overwhelm the strongest of us all.  So many I know are struggling.  Scared to leave home.  Scared to go to work.  Scared to go to the store.  Scared to visit family.  Today's newest tidbit is that the gas pumps are carriers of the virus...so now we are scared to pump gas!  I don't mean to make light of it.  I'm scared too.  I admit it.  I'm scared to go visit my parents.  I would hate myself if I gave them anything.  I feel guilty about seeing my grandbabies this past weekend.  What if I carried something to them?  What if they carried something and gave to me?  What if I pass it on to someone more vulnerable than me?  What if?  What if?  What if????

Right now I am typing and listening to some praise and worship music.  It is what has been helping my anxiety.  As I laid in bed with all the news from the day bouncing around in my head I kept singing this song over and over.  If you don't know it, check it out.  It will help your spirit be lifted.   PRAISE & WORSHIP: HOLY WATER  Last night as I listened to it and as many other praise and worship songs as I could before I fell asleep, I created a play list for nights like tonight.  Songs that will remind me about who holds my future in His hands.  Songs to remind me that nothing can separate me from God's love.  Holy Water, God Only Knows, Fear is a Liar, Even If, The God Who Stays, and so many more....songs to calm my spirit and draw me closer to God.

What else has helped?  Honestly, I have watched more online worship services this past week than probably ever.  I watch WFR Church's service often when I miss worship with my KCOC family.  Today I attended both services...it was kind of nice to do the 9 a.m. service with WFR in Louisiana and then 10:30 with KCOC here in Texas.  I also spent some time in Tennessee with the Riverwood church and Martin Pyle, my youth minister back in the day.  Spending time in God's word and with others via Facebook Live stream and messaging helped not to feel so isolated.  The sense of community was strong and greatly needed.  It was a blessing.

One thing that was talked about was keeping that feeling of community even in this time of isolation.  Saturday, myself and several others plotted to help build some of that feeling for our congregation.  I can't take credit for the idea because I saw it on Facebook.  Kim, Joy, Angie, Christy, and I had a blast putting the pictures of all our church family in their "seats" in the auditorium.  It was so much fun to see everyone there!  :)  I know it brought a smile to our preacher's face when he had the congregation there smiling back at him this morning while he encouraged us with God's word.  And no worries...we practiced social distancing the whole time and sanitized everything we touched!  Not hugging was the hardest thing of all!  Oh how I miss hugs!

I'm blessed to not be alone at home.  My hubby has been home most of the week with me due to the rain.  I know his presence has helped keep me calm and centered.  I am thankful for that.  He will be headed to work in a few hours.  So far he still has a job to go to.  He is in construction and is typically alone in his big machine that he operates.  His job is also deemed an "essential" job right now.  I pray he continues to get to work.  We have struggled a lot these past few months and any emergency fund we had is gone now.  I do worry about him though.  He just got over pneumonia.  His system is weakened and can't afford to be exposed to something that will compromise it.  However, he is not afraid.  MEN!

I'm just going to be honest.  This has been the worst spring break ever.  It rained every day and we were pretty much sent to our rooms by the government and told we couldn't hang out with any of our friends.  Also, I think I thought about school more during this break than I ever do during spring break.  Virtual learning will start on Tuesday.  I have no idea what that will look like yet.  I miss my kids already.  ALL 90 of them!  I do hope I get to see them again before the year is over.  I pray this does not continue much longer.

I don't have any words of wisdom or analogies to share.  Life is tough right now.  Things are uncertain.  Jobs have been lost.  People are sick and scared.  Families are separated.  Churches are forbidden to meet.  Toilet paper is missing!  (People have gone crazy!)  Life is just crazy right now.  But in thinking about this "time out" we have been given I hope we find the time to do some of the things we have been putting aside because of our busy schedules, like...reading.  I have a stack of books to read!  Arts or crafts...I have an unfinished blanket I have been crocheting that needs finishing and I have thought about taking my camera for a walk around our place if it gets dry enough to walk around outside again.  It's been a while since I took pictures of nature for fun.  Maybe it is a phone call to a friend you have wanted to reach out to and you just haven't had the time.  Now you do!

What if we all took this "time out" and invested the time in becoming better.  Spend more time with God in prayer and in His word.  Spend more time with your family...playing games, telling stories, creating memories.  Spend time resting and focusing on becoming a better you.  And during this time I think God has given us an opportunity to adjust some of our priorities.  What are you missing the most?  What are you most worried about not being able to do again?  Me...I miss my family.  I need more time with them.  I also miss the ability to go to worship.  I had been missing more than I should and now not being able to go makes me realize how much I really miss it and my church family.  Take your anxiety and and turn it into something for good.  Don't let it steal this time that God has given us to slow down and grow closer to Him and to those we love.

We will make it to the other side of this.  There will be better days.  Life will go on...so let's make it the best we can.  Love to you all...

In Him...Denise

Wild Blackberries...

Sitting in my chair, trapped inside my travel trailer due to social distancing requirements and rain that has continued for the past week, I spotted these white flowers growing near our fence line.  Just a couple the first day and now several dozen.  My curiosity took over and I ventured out to look at them.  Pretty little white flowers growing on a vine of some kind.  Ahhhh!!!  I remembered later that my mom had mentioned some wild blackberry bushes that had once grown along the fence near our place.  That started my researching.  I googled pictures of blackberry bushes/vines and of the blooms that they would have.  I am 98% certain that I am the proud owner of some wild blackberry bushes!  I am hopeful at least!

HOPE!  Funny how God placed those vines right outside the window of my chair, where I have stared out at a little part of my safe world this week.  I can't help but believe that these little flowers have been placed here to remind me that the world is still a beautiful place and that there is still hope for life and beauty in this world.  They also remind me of the provision that God provides.  Fresh blackberries!

Right now there is hope for some fresh blackberries.  Hope in the life that is growing despite all that is happening around it.  You see these berries have their own troubles to face.  First, this rain is relentless.  There is a new river flowing past them each day.  Second, they must survive the cows.  Yes, the cows.  They are growing along the path that the cows travel daily behind our home.  They often stop and try to nibble on the vines, even when I yell at them from inside the trailer!  LOL!  The good news is that the flowers have a protection against this outside threat.  They have thorns!  Thorns to keep them from being eaten and stopping their future crop of blackberries from coming into full ripeness!  I am so thankful for these thorns!  Because of these painful thorns there is still HOPE!

As I sit here tonight, day 7 of realizing that this quarantine life is really happening for many of us, I remember that hope is something that many do not have.  Fear seems to have taken over so many lives right now.  Turning on the tv or logging on to Facebook is all it takes right now to feel overwhelmed with hopelessness.  The media, friends, family, and almost anyone posting about this new virus will tell you all the horrible things that are to come.  Schools are closed.  Churches are closed.  Restaurants...closed.  Jobs are being lost.  People are dying.  Life as we know it is over!  Doom and gloom is everywhere!  Hope is gone...

Doom and gloom has tried to take over my life, but hope has kept me going.  You see we have a hope that this world does not understand.  Our hope comes from God.  We can know that we will have better days again because we know a God that loves his children and will see us through this time of uncertainty.  We must continue to share this hope with those that are being overcome by fear.  Fear is not of God.  Fear is a trick of one who would pull us away from the shelter of our God. 

I'll leave you with some power scriptures.  Pray with them.  Share them with others.  Read them over and over.  Let them bring you HOPE!  Hope in our Father who loves us and will see us through these days of uncertainty.

In Him...Denise 



Philippians 4:6-7:  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all who are weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

John 16:33:  I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

John 14:27:  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

Deuteronomy 31:8-9:  The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  

1 Peter 5:7:  Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  

Matthew 19:26:  But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'  

Proverbs 3:3-6:  Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Vulnerability...Panic, Prayer & Peace

COVID-19  (This may be a little long, but I have to process all that is going on in this crazy world today and in my head!)

Wow!  How the world has changed in a week!  Last Sunday we all were joking about a week with "Springing Forward" and losing an hour of sleep, facing a full moon and Friday the 13th.  For me it was also the week before Spring Break for my school plus the 5th grade camping trip to Sky Ranch.  I was preparing for a crazy week but little did I know it would be the last "normal" week for awhile.

Friday was a wake up call.  Suddenly we were working to prepare to not come back after only one week of spring break.  We prepared supplies for our kids to take home for 1 to 2 weeks of working from home.  Still...I don't think it really hit me that things were about to go crazy.

My hubby and I decided to pick up a few groceries before going home, knowing I would be home for the week of spring break and because rain was in the forecast.  (If you know the reason for the name of this blog you will understand why we needed to stock up before MORE rain came in.)  I think our trip to the store opened my eyes a bit to the hysteria that was about to overtake our country.  My first hint was NO SHOPPING CARTS!  I noticed the parking lot was full.  I thought it was because I there earlier than my normal time to shop.  Boy was I wrong!  I stood at the door and waited for someone to walk in, returning an empty cart.  What was happening?

NO TOILET PAPER!  Seriously!  How does a respiratory virus equal the need to clear the shelves of tp?  I didn't understand then and I still don't!  It is crazy!  I was shocked to see the paper goods aisle at the store cleaned out.  Not only was all the tp gone but very few roles of paper towels were left.  My understanding is that wet wipes on the baby aisle also disappeared.  Water bottles were gone.  Eggs were in low supply.  Pinto beans...GONE!  Ramen noodles...GONE!  Totinos pizza...GONE!  But hey...there was plenty of cake mix and brownie mixes!  LOL!  I could live on those!

I laughed as I walked through the store.  I watched people with carts that were overflowing pile one more something on top.  I had a man push his way in front of me to look for a bag of pinto beans.  I laughed...I probably shouldn't have, but I did.  I would have given him a bag if I had found one.  He settled for some rice instead.  (Rice and beans...beans and rice...Dave Ramsey would be proud if I could have found some beans!)  

I saw several friends and family while at the store.  Many of us hugged when we saw each other (oops).  I did ask a few friends if they were hugging before I hugged them.  (oops again)  We all just shook our heads at the crazy we saw happening around us.  None of us were doing that panic shopping thing.  Most of us were just grabbing a few things on our way home for the weekend.  People gave us crazy looks...some even mean looks...when we joked and laughed about being teachers and not being afraid of another virus.  Aren't we immune to everything?  Haven't we been exposed to all the bugs by now?  I know I feel like I have.  This is another year without even having the flu and almost every one of my students had it!  (Thank you Young Living Thieves oil!)  

I haven't been back to the store since then.  I'm a little scared to go.  You see as a teacher we only get paid once a month on the 20th.  I'm praying that there will be a little more peace and logical thinking by then.  I'm hoping to find food and yes...tp!  Living in our travel trailer we must buy certain types of tp and even that has been gone!  I have not been one of the panic purchasers...but I will admit that some level of panic has started setting in.  What if I didn't take this thing serious enough?  What if all these people who were panicking and buying up everything were doing the right thing and I was the foolish one?  What if....what if...what if....?????  

That's when the palpitations started.  I could feel the beginning of a really good panic attack starting as I read more and more about the shelves being emptied...seeing all the pictures online of empty shelves...hearing and reading everyone's stories about not being able to find what they need.  My own daughter's story of not being able to find milk for my grand babies and my other daughter not being able to find wet wipes made me realize this thing might be a bit more serious than I was taking it.  But still I believed it would calm down after the weekend and things would go back to normal.  As of this posting, that is not the case.  My parents went shopping today and still no tp!!!!

Okay, so the stores are going crazy.  That'll calm down soon.  Right?  That's what I thought.  Then the unthinkable.  Worship is cancelled at our church.  The decision was made to meet virtually instead of all together due to the CDC and the requirements of not more than 250 or 100, or 50, or whatever it was at the time, meeting together.  What?  No worship together?  I'll admit I don't make it every Sunday to worship but during times of unrest, meeting with my brothers and sisters in Christ is what steadies my spirit.  NOW WHAT?

I don't think any of us could imagine a world with no sports, no church services, no school, no dine-in restaurants, no gatherings of more than 10 people at a time.  The new term "social-distancing" will no doubt be one of the top ten of the year.  Are we over-reacting?  Are our national, state and local governments going too far?  What about jobs?  How do we get paid if we are not working?  Who will keep the kids when those who can work must go to work?  

As a teacher, a mom, a grandmother, a daughter, a wife, and also a board member of a preschool, so many concerns and worries flood my soul.  What do we do?  How do we move forward during this time?  Is it really as bad as they say or is this yet another thing that our media seems to blow up out of proportion just to scare us?  (Yes, I thought that!)  Do we go to extremes to help stop this or do we not let this scare us into not living normal?  As I sit here and listen to the latest news I know we must take this more seriously than I had thought in the beginning.  I wasn't one of those that said there was nothing to be afraid of but I also haven't been one of those locking myself in my house...

A nurse friend of mine got my attention.  She posted a picture of those who were considered "vulnerable."  I had felt safe.  I had thought my likelihood of getting really sick if I was exposed was slim.  I had really not worried about it any more than I do the flu until I saw her post.  

I am one of those "vulnerable" ones!  Asthma has been a part of my life since I was a baby.  I know the feeling of not being able to breathe.  It leads to a panic attack if I am not careful.  I rarely fight with my asthma like I did when I was younger, but it is still there.  It still reminds me often of my disability, especially during the spring and fall.  I also have dealt with high blood pressure since I was younger and much skinnier!  It is just one of those things that I inherited.  My age puts me in a higher category for risk as well.  I'm no longer considered "young" by most standards.  

So now I am isolating as much as possible.  I don't mind social distancing normally.  I like my quiet time and my private space.  However, now that it is being required I am struggling a bit.  I had planned to enjoy this spring break being rained in and not getting out.  I would reorganize our tiny living space.  I would clean out my closet.  I would read.  So far I have done none of those.  I have listened to the news, read every Facebook post about this virus and about school closings as well as how to do some distance teaching/learning.  So far this hasn't been much a of break.  Relaxing...no.  Destressing...no.  Sleeping well...nope.  None of those things yet.  Hopefully I will be able to relax a little in the next several weeks.  We've just been informed that we won't have school again until after April 3rd.  I'm praying maybe this will get better before then and we can return to a more normal life.  That has been my prayer at least.

So what can we do?  We follow the guidelines as best as we can.  We honor each other by respecting a safe distance when in public.  We stay calm and do some of those things that we never have time to do because we are so busy.  Busy has been cancelled for many of us.  Read a book, do a puzzle, play a game, go for a walk, be creative, call a friend you haven't talked to in a while, write a letter to a loved one, clean out a closet, work out.  Take care of yourself and your family.  Above all....PRAY!  The truth is that the best thing and probably the only thing we can really do...take our concerns to our Father in heaven.  Pray for this virus to be stopped.  Pray for those who have gotten sick to be healed.  Pray that those who can not work will be provided for and will find work during this time.  Pray that those in poor health are strengthened and healed.  Pray for our children to be protected and for them to not live in fear.  Pray that we show Christ in all that we do during this time.  Pray for one another.

Together we will make it through this.  I may need you all to remind me of this as we go through the coming days.  I do well most of the time but then that voice of fear starts whispering to me and panic starts setting in.  Isolation sometimes makes it worse for me.  If that is you also, please know you can reach out to me.  Sometimes just hearing the voice of someone you love makes things all better.  I pray peace be with you all.  I'm sorry this has been so long.  Lot's of processing on my part.  Hopefully the next post will be some crazy story of life as we know it!  

In Him....Denise

Pieces

I remember when...
I was your best friend,
the fixer of all problems,
the one with all the answers
Your “go-to”
to calm the storms.

I was somebody,
respected and loved,
Not belittled and criticized.
But, now it seems
I don’t know anything.
I have no relevance and
If I ask anything
I’m only thinking of my needs.
Self-centered
Pitiful
Needy

I’m not allowed
to have emotions or feelings.
All those things
that made me your defender
when the world did you wrong...
now seem to be considered
negative traits and bitterness.

How did I go
from the top of my field
to someone who is useless
and knows nothing?
Someone to be mocked,
devalued?

It hurts to know
that you are not respected.
It hurts more
when it comes from one
who you would do anything for.

So when I seem more cold,
less open with you;
please know
it was forced upon me.
I didn’t ask to feel this way.
I learned it from having
to put my heart back together
after having it shattered
in a million pieces.

Funerals, Weddings & Family!

Here it is 3:49 a.m. on Sunday, March 1, 2020, and what am I doing?  Reading through my old blog and thinking way too much! These things happen a lot for me.  I process feelings and emotions during the night.  My dreams often are a place where worries and fears seem to take control and create crazy scenarios and even crazier images.  But it wasn't a dream tonight that woke me.  No, it was this old shoulder and hip pain that haunt me tonight.  I had fallen asleep in my recliner after putting an ice pack on my shoulder and here is where I found myself at 2 a.m. when I woke up!  (The hubby left me in my chair again...probably so he could have the whole bed or because I am just too hard to wake up when I have passed out for the night!)  I tried to lay down in bed for awhile but my head just keep bouncing around thoughts and events from the night and the words "funerals, weddings and family" would not go away.  This is what I call a writing prompt.  Not the kind I might give my students but the kind that God seems to give me when something needs to be said, or I need to deal with my own stuff.  I honestly have no idea where this may go...HANG ON...it could get a bit bumpy!

So here I am...alone in my thoughts at this early hour.  The wind is blowing outside and our little travel trailer is rocking a little.  Doesn't scare me like it used to.  We are pretty stable.  Spring is upon us though, and storm season lies ahead.  Not my favorite time of year...  Storms.

Storms come.  Storms are unpredictable.  Sometimes they bring just a steady rain.  Sometimes they bring along some friends like thunder, lightening, wind and tornadoes.  Sometimes they bring a flood.  You never quite know what each storm will bring.  Even with the best weather forecasters around, storms are unpredictable.  Not too many years ago we experienced a storm after Christmas that brought one of the worst tornadoes to some of our family and friends.  These kind of storms aren't supposed to happen during the "winter!"  But who can predict what storms may come...and when.... (Now I see where this is headed....)

Back to the shoulder, neck and hip pain...  The ice packs are helping some, but the pain is still there.  I've had these for years.  Dr. Joe makes a pretty penny off of putting me back together and taking away the pain every time I have a flair up.  Looks like a visit may be in my future.  So what triggered this pain tonight...a wedding!  Well, the long drive to the wedding and the long drive home.  More than an hour in a car and I am in pain.  Every single time!  Tonight was no exception!  I rode with my oldest daughter and three of my grandbabies to my niece's wedding.  It was almost a 2 hour drive. The time in the car was enough to trigger my pain, but I'm sure the possible "storm" had a little to do with it.

Family is tough.  Family dynamics can be hard to navigate.  No family is immune from the storms.  They are bound to come.  I remember after my grandmother died, when I was in high school, there were some family squabbles over dividing up some of her things.  If I remember the story right, some were upset that I, a mere grandchild (oldest girl grandchild) had gotten a couple of recipe books, a wooden bowl, the recipe box my mother had made for my grandmother, and a little Avon Bicentennial figurine that had MY NAME on the bottom of it from my grandmother.  Oh none of these had much value to them monetarily, but they caused a storm like they did!  They all had memories attached.  When my maternal grandmother passed away 20 plus years later, I remember worrying about the family "storm" that would follow.  It mostly went smoothly.  I'm not sure if there was really much to fuss over.  I did get the bedroom furniture she had always promised me.  The storm this time came during the funeral.  We will just leave it at that...some family members just don't know how to behave. (It's now 4:44 a.m. for those who know me...that will have to be another post though!)

Recently, I attended the visitation of my great uncle.  He was the last of a generation of our family.  I watched the dynamics of his immediate and extended family while sitting with a 2nd or 3rd cousin and talking about who was who and life in general.  As sad as this gathering was, it was also good to see so many family members that I had not seen in awhile.  But underneath the love everyone was showing was still that feeling of a storm brewing if the wrong cousin, aunt, or uncle said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person....you  all know what I mean.  That family squabble that is calm as long as no one rocks the boat too much.  That cold front, or pressure system, that if it shifted just a little more south would produce a powerful storm.  That feeling was present at times even as we mourned the loss of the last of a generation.

Weddings can be the same.  Well, at least our family ones can be!  I'm not going to delve into the muck and mire of some of the hurts but I will say there are some and I feel them greatly!  Some hurts are greater than others.  Some have even put a wedge between several family members...myself included.  I will own my feelings in this.  Tonight's event was not easy for me.  It was the first wedding in our family since our daughter's wedding a year ago and I knew I would see some people who would make the evening less than easy.  I almost didn't go because people I love were not invited and people who had been hurtful at our daughter's wedding would be there.  I knew that I would need to work on my "poker face", which I really do not have because my thoughts and feelings can be read easily on my face.  I would have to bite my tongue if the wrong thing was said.  I would have to be the better person.  For the most part, I did well, but those feelings...they hurt.  They keep those storms brewing in the background.  They hold just enough instability to be dangerous or to just blow by without incident. Thankfully there was a cool breeze...people we had not seen in awhile...who eased the tension.  I was glad I went and hopefully healed a bit from the hurts.  Storm averted...for now.

Family hurts are hard.  They are hard to handle and harder to forgive.  They cause deep wounds.  Because you see, family is supposed to be the ones that are there for you no matter what.  They are supposed to love you and care when life knocks you down.  They are supposed to be who you can turn to.  They are supposed to celebrate with you and cry with you...and not just at weddings and funerals.  But, families are not perfect.  Families fight.  Families fall apart.  Families are sometimes unsafe and unhealthy places.  I see this a lot in my profession.  Family does not always equal unconditional love.  Family can mean pain and heartache.

So I don't really have a happy ending or answer for the family storm.  I saw a new one brewing tonight...one I don't know the details of but I know something is not right.  I also saw the sudden heartache of one of my sister-in-laws when learning that her best friend's mother and her "other mother"passed away.  It makes me know that no matter the storm.  No matter the hurt.  No matter the pain.  Life is short and precious.  Life is hard.  Family is hard.  Life is precious and so is family...even the hard to love ones.  Forgiveness is the key.  Not a key I own as of yet in this situation, but I am working on it.  The emotion didn't control me tonight, love for what my family should be did.  Maybe that is the cure.  Maybe that is the answer.  Maybe that is what God's prompting tonight was all about.  Love.  Love covers a multitude of sin.  (1Peter 4:8)

I'll leave you with this.  No matter the storms.  No matter the pain.  God's love is there for us.  He is my comfort in the storm.  He is the one who tells the seas to be calm and the storm ends. (Psalms 107:29) He is the one who can take away the pain and give us a new heart filled with love.  The key to forgiveness...love.  The key to calming the storm that rages...love.  The Bible tells us that God is love. (1 John 4:8)   My favorite verse on love is this: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."  Others will hurt us and storms will come, but Love, God, never fails.