NOT NORMAL...

Not really sure about writing tonight...or is it morning...  I can't sleep and that usually means my mind is too busy bouncing thoughts around to actually shut off for awhile and sleep.  Well tonight/today...I got nothing....  Forgive my country girl grammar, I'm not feeling very prim and proper right now.  I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.  Have you ever been there?  Felt this way?  You know...like you want to scream, or yell, or maybe cry, or laugh?  You might even just want to curl up and sleep all day or you are wide awake and totally unsettled but you don't know why?  Well, that is me right now.  I don't really know how to feel tonight.

Yesterday, since it is almost 1:00 a.m. now, was Easter Sunday.  Resurrection Sunday as we call it!  Which normally means everyone goes to church because it is a special Sunday.  It is the day when much of the world stops for a moment to remember that Christ died for our sins and on the third day was resurrected.  Our church celebrates this every Sunday with communion, but on this one Sunday all Christians remember this together.

In today's world it also means new pretty dresses for little girls with their new summer sandles, and for little boys maybe their first suit or a really nice color coordinated shirt and pants to match dad or mom. It means family pictures in our coordinated outfits either in the bluebonnets or some other pretty spot.   It means seeing family for Sunday lunch after worship and then a fun filled egg hunt for the kids.  In our family it also means seeing those cousins you only see once a year and trying to smash confetti eggs on their heads before they can smash one on your's!  It means spending time with family for a few short hours until the kids get tired and it is time to go home and take naps and sort through all the candy filled eggs.

But, yesterday was different.  None of those things happened like normal.  Oh, there were pretty dresses and coordinating shirts.  There were little egg hunts and family meals.  There were church services, just on the internet instead of in person.  I even saw some family pictures that were taken, but not necessarily in the bluebonnets or even in Easter clothes.  I'm sure people got Easter baskets and talked about the Easter bunny.  I'm sure some of those things still happened, but just not like normal.

NOTHING HAS BEEN NORMAL!  I watched two church services this morning.  One was on Facebook Live from a church in Louisiana and the other was on YouTube from our home church.  I chatted with other church members via the chat application on the two computer programs.  We prayed, had communion and even sang, as well as heard the lesson from God's word for the week.  I just did all of that, though, in my pjs, sitting in my recliner, drinking my coffee.

I saw my grandchildren and sort of saw all of my daughters.  However, it was only in pictures, Snapchat and Facetime on the phone.  I talked to my momma, but it was only through a text.  I told my friend Happy Easter...but it was through a text also.  And my poor grands had an egg hunt, but only with their siblings, not with their cousins like normal.  No family pictures this year.  No confetti eggs and family eggs fights.  No family dinner with the great-grandparents, aunts, uncles and distant cousins.  No worship service face to face.  No actual human contact at all.  My hubby even picked up groceries today....we shopped online and just drove up and received our groceries and drove home.  No browsing of the aisles and shopping bargains.  Nope.  Nothing has been normal.

This lack of human contact is not easy, even for those of us who do like our quiet alone time.  I like to hide away in my house and just be...quiet...for a while.  I need those days of less outside stimulation and more of my inner peace and rest.  But, we are starting WEEK 5 of being home and like most people like to call it, "quarantined!"  We really aren't quarantined, but we are "sheltered at home" which basically means, DON'T GO ANYWHERE UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY or if you have what is now referred to as an "essential" job.  So for many people it has been a long time since they have had actual human contact with someone else.  Think about that for a minute.  No hand shakes.  No face to face conversations. No school.  No entertainment.  No hugs.  No sports.  No interaction that involves "touching" someone else.  It is WEIRD!  And I pray this is NOT our new normal.  People are wearing masks that cover their faces and gloves to protect their hands from germs.  I have antiviral/antibacterial wipes in my car to wipe down everything any time I get in or out.  Hand sanitizer is a MUST and is carried everywhere you go.  Things are just crazy weird right now!

The talk has been about what things will be like as we "open our economy back up."  You know me, I just was thinking life would go back to regular life.  However, the more I listen to the news (which is a bad thing to do during a pandemic) the more I think we may have a new normal now.  Things I have heard:  Will we be tracked or identified by if we have the antibodies for this virus or not?  Will we be required to wear face coverings/masks in large gatherings?  Will some things not be reopened?  Will people be scanned with some type of thermometer when they enter buildings to determine if they are healthy enough to be around others?  Will things become more of a military state with enforcing the social distancing rules?  (People in Kentucky were cited for being at a place of worship today and there were several consequences listed for this citation.)  Will this become something that we will have a vaccine for like the flu and we will be able to go back to normal?  The questions go on and on and on ....and if I let myself dwell on them I can get very anxious and sad.

Here is what I do know.  God does not change.  Jesus is still the same today as He was before this pandemic started and He will be the same when it is over. (Hebrews 13:8)  He has not forgotten or forsaken us. (Deuteronomy 31:6) He has not turned his back on us.  He still loves us and He is still in control of all that is going on in this world today.  I know some of you are like me and you have that thought pop into your head...you know...that one you should NOT have.  That thought that says, "Well, if He is in control then WHY hasn't He done something about this by now?"  I ask myself that a lot.  I don't know why God allows these bad things to happen.  I wish we did get to live in that utopia that was the Garden of Eden, where there was no evil, or pain, or sickness, and I'm sure that means there was no virus that attacked them from out of the blue.  But we don't get to live in that perfect place.  We will have to have a conversation with Eve one of these days...and with Adam.  Both are guilty in my book for this fallen world that we live in today.

When these bad things have happened in my life, things like the job losses that we have been through, or the unfair situations that have happened, I try to find the lesson or the good that is coming from it.  Let me tell you...there is good in this pandemic.  I've seen it!  Parents are getting to stay home more with their children!  Children are getting to learn from their parents!  Children are getting to live in a slower paced, more relaxed setting (hopefully...I know it is not true for all of them).  Parents are getting to work from home instead of fighting the traffic and making the hour commute to work and back each day.  Neighbors are speaking to each other more because families are going outside to "get out of the house" and "do something."  People are building relationships with their neighbors!  People are reaching out and calling each other instead of just sending a text.  People are delivering groceries and supplies to families to help make it through this time.  I've even seen people join the online worship services that have not set foot in a church building in years, but they are joining in online!  I've heard the news mention that air pollution is less, the skies are clearer than they have been in years because there are not as many cars on the road.  Gas prices are lower than they have been since my girls were little.  I've heard it described as like someone hit the "reset" button and we are all paused while the system reboots.

There are so many other good things happening in the midst of all this pandemic and the bad that we keep hearing about.  People are sick and dying and we do need to do what we are asked to do to help stop the spread so we can get back to normal sooner than later.  But let's really think about normal and what we want it to look like.  Maybe some things did need to change.  Maybe this is a time that we look at our lives and what we are really missing or what we are really enjoying and as we reboot the system, we choose what becomes our new normal.

Just remember, my friends, God is with us.  He has not changed.  He has not left us alone.  He will get us through this crazy time and He will be with us as we venture into the new that will come.  I don't know about you, but that gives me HOPE!  And as long as we have hope we have something to offer this world....let's start by being Jesus to those who need Him the most.  We will get through this together...with God.

(Wow...I didn't know where this was going tonight...hope it makes a little bit of sense.)

In Him,
Denise

Passover...

Tomorrow is Palm Sunday, April 5th.  The day we remember that Jesus rode into the city of Jerusalem on a donkey.  It begins the Holy Week leading up to Easter for Christians.  Passover begins at  sundown on April 8th and goes through April 16th. A time of remembrance of their deliverance from slavery in Egypt for Jewish people.  Passover specifically refers to the last of the ten plagues of Egypt, when God passed over Egypt and took the first born of each Egyptian family and any others unless they had the blood of an unblemished lamb on the door frame of their homes.  Easter comes in the middle of Passover this year on the 12th of April. 


So why the history lesson?  Because it has been on my mind a lot lately and tonight they showed The Ten Commandments movie, as is done each year around Easter, and I have just finished sitting through the 3 hours of watching it...again.  It is one of our favorite movies.  It is one of the first movies that my hubby watched as he was learning about God and finding his salvation. 

I remember sitting around the television as my girls were growing up and explaining the movie and the Bible story to them.  God had told His children to prepare to leave.  He had been specific in what to eat and prepare.  He had given instructions as to how to protect themselves when He passed over.  The first born children inside the homes with blood on the doors would be saved.  Spared from death and set free from bondage by the blood of the lamb.  

I also remember the questions about "why".  Why would God do that to people?  Why would he allow people to suffer and even die?    And I remember the eerie feeling as the "angel of death" passed over the homes in Egypt. That grey fog, creeping through the streets and the wailing heard as the plague took the first born in the homes not covered with the blood, would make my girls fearful and sad. I also remember the fear that some of those inside the homes covered by the blood still showed as they worshiped and prayed throughout the night.   They had to know that God was moving for them, protecting them, freeing them, as they prepared for what would come next.  What would morning bring? 

I don't have all the answers to why...but I do know that God is a good god and He is in control no matter what.  I don't like thinking that bad things happen as a punishment or as a way to get our attention, but when I read the Bible I find many times that God allowed things to happen to help bring His people back to Him.  It took ten plagues to get Pharaoh's attention.  I like to believe that if Pharaoh's heart had not been so hard toward God's people that maybe his people would not have had to suffer so much before he listened to God. 

So am I saying that this is a plague and we are being punished?  No.  I am not.  However, I can see a great comparison to the story of Moses.  Before this current situation the bickering and negativity towards people was great!  You couldn't get on any social media without seeing something about the election and it usually included a lot of mud slinging.  It just seemed that everything was filled with hate and had someone tearing down somebody else or criticizing how or why something was done.   It just wasn't a very happy place.  I also can't help but wonder about what would have happened to those first born of Israel if they had been hard headed and stubborn and not followed God's instructions of painting their doors with the blood of an unblemished lamb or if they had decided that they did not have to stay inside when the plague passed through their neighborhood.  

But today isn't much better...right?  Well, the virus has certainly made things crazy and if you watch too much television/news, you will feel like the world is ending and we will never ever go back to some kind of normal.  I wonder if the Israelites felt this way too as the first nine plagues rained down on Egypt.  Did they wish for the normal days of hard labor and slavery instead of the suffering they endured during the plagues?   I know I have felt those things and I have to fight hard to not get sucked into the doom and gloom and live there.  The stories of stores closing, people losing their jobs, all the new rules that come with just trying to go to the store, the lack of tp (yes, that is still an issue), and the constant update of new cases of the virus and number of deaths is all enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed.

When I start feeling those overwhelming feelings I have to start looking for the good that is going on.  Turn off the negative.  Log off the constant flow of emotions, and focus on what is good.  I also have learned to find the lesson in the trials.  What am I figuring out during this time?  What is being reset in my life during this time out?  What is important in my life?  What is God teaching me?  I know for one that I am going to live with more gratitude and not take simple things like going to work or seeing my parents or kids, for granted.  I also am going to continue making time for me instead of living at work.  And...my relationship with God needs to improve.  I won't take for granted the ability to join together with other Christians and worship.  

Look at what is happening around us now.  People are actually talking to each other instead of being too busy to look up.  Families are having dinner together and playing games.  Children are learning from their parents.  Parents are home more and not being pulled in a 100 different directions.  Children are getting time to be children.  Churches are reaching out via the internet and finding new ways to connect.  I know of several people who have logged onto the online worship services that have not been inside a church building in years.  There are so many people who are taking extra steps to help others.  We had groceries delivered to us during the first week of social distancing.  My mom and several other ladies are sewing face masks for medical personnel and first responders.  Companies are changing up their normal jobs to make what is needed most for right now.  People are reading books to children online.  Teachers are still teaching, children are still learning.  Life has slowed down and people have started checking on those they haven't gotten to talk to in awhile.  Communities are supporting one another and figuring out ways to take care of those who are unable to work right now.  They are even talking about prayer on the news.  God has to be moving.  Drawing us back into a closer walk with him and to loving one another.

I don't know when this new normal will go back to something we remember, but I hope when it does that we hold on to some of the new, good things, that we have learned.  Maybe we will be a kinder generation.  Maybe we will remember that we are "all in this together" and that "together we will get through this" time of trouble.  Call it a test, a trial, a pandemic, a plague, but whatever you may call it remember that God is with us as we go through it.  Some days the struggle is real.  The isolation is too much.  The television or computer have outworn their welcome.  The rain just will not stop.  The people you are cooped up with are about to drive you crazy.  You may wonder if the sun will ever shine again and if we will ever get to just relax and go back to living life together.  I pray those things happen for us soon, but honestly, I have no idea what the future holds.  However, I do know who has made a promise to be with us through whatever may come. 

There are several things that many are doing to help unite us during this time of Passover and Easter.  The Palm Sunday idea is posted at the beginning of this post.  Another idea has been to tie a red ribbon on your door to represent the covering of the blood of the lamb that we share as Christians, as we go into the season of Passover and Easter.  Praying also for His deliverance from this virus and the fear that many feel is also being suggested.  One thing I believe we all can do...even through face masks, is smile at people.  Make eye contact and speak to others.   Say "hello" when you see people.   Do not let a spirit of fear destroy who we are as people.  


Blessings...
Denise

The New Way of Life...Teaching 2020

 Here we are again...Monday...quarantine and online teaching week 2!  So much fun!  To say that I have been a bit overwhelmed is an understatement!  I think I have even worried my hubby a bit.  I live on the edge of tears.  You see, this thing called teaching is not something I take lightly...nor do most teachers that I know.  We have great pride in what we do.  Not pride that is negative but pride that means we want to do a good job no matter what!

So online teaching has been thrust upon us!  Sounds like a dream job...right?  NO!  Not for someone who spends their days with children because we want to!  No...it is not a dream job.  It is something that is causing much anxiety and stress for almost every educator I know. 

So why stress?  What is the big deal?  The kids!  That's the big deal!  We have dedicated our lives to the lives of children and their education and well being.  We want to see them become better versions of themselves from year to year.  We love watching the growth from the day one to the last day of their time in our care.  We take pride in helping them become independent thinkers and problem solvers.  We miss them and we care about what their daily lives are like now, without our guidance and care. 

Most of them have a safe place to be...many do not.  Many are home alone now.  They may be the caregivers for their young siblings.  Some of them are worried about food and wait anxiously daily for the school bus to deliver their lunch.  Some are just alone.  It breaks my heart knowing they are feeling some of these big feelings that we too feel but do not have us there to reassure them. 

The other stress comes from being thrown into a learning world that we are just not accustom to.  One of my girls said today, "Welcome to teaching like a college professor without the pay!"  LOL!  I thought how true that statement was.  I've taken my share of online classes and most of those were classes I had some knowledge about and felt like I would be fine without the daily interaction with a professor or with classmates.  But there were those classes that I NEEDED that direct instruction.  I needed to hear the ideas and thinking of other students and I needed the explanations of someone more knowledgeable than myself. Online just would not have worked in those situations and I know that is how some of these children are feeling.  They need the interactions of classmates and teachers.  They need the reassurance that they are doing it right.  They need the community that school provides.  And frankly...so do I!

But here we are...learning by hands on and trial and error how to set up Google Classrooms and ZOOM meetings while converting work into Google slides or docs that can be completed online and submitted.  Teaching from a screen.  Talking to a group of kids while they lay in their beds, or wrestle with their siblings.  Some were even been mocked by family members for trying to do their work and joining our virtual class.  The plus...and probably the only plus I can find in all of this right now is that I can do 90% of my job in my pjs!  Yes!  That is a plus!
 
The other problem of this new way of life is the anxiousness that I must control at almost all times.  My poor husband has seen this near the edge of a breakdown in me several times lately.  I must hold things together to teach my kiddos and show a calm and relaxed disposition while I answer their questions about when will we be able to go back to school.  I must ease their fears when they mention this virus that has taken over our world and changed life as we know it.  I must do all these things while trying to calm the fear in myself.  Will we go back to school?  What if we don't?  What about this virus?  Is it going to be safe to go back?  Is this virus as bad as they say or are they making it a bigger deal than it really is?  What if..... and then the anxiety kicks into full gear again. 

It is hard for me to control those same fears and emotions that they are feeling because you see one of my own is on the front lines of this war with a virus.  She is double gowned and gloved.  Doubled masked and shielded.  Extra precautions put in place as she daily goes into this battle to help others who may or may not be infected.  No...I don't rest easy.  I pray constantly.  I trust her abilities and her cautious ways, but even then she is not 100% safe. 

She is also extremely tired.  She's worked more hours in the last two weeks than she normally does.  Last night she was working on about 3 hours of sleep and trying to take a test for a college class after being on call all weekend.  I hate it for her.  Not only does she have the added pressures from work, she also is a mom with two kiddos out of school.  She now is not only a working mom,  part time student, but also a home school teacher for her children.  The pressure is almost too great for any one person.  I see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice when she calls to chat on her way home from work.  She is holding it together.  Don't her part.  Helping others and trying to take care of her babies too. 

Then there is my other daughter who also is a mom, a full time teacher and a full time student.  She too has the added responsibilities of being a mom to three girls who need her as a mom and now she must be their teacher too while also taking on the same responsibilities of teacher for her full time class of kiddos via the internet!  I'm not really sure how she is doing it.  I see the stress in her eyes and hear it in her voice  Full time job...full time parent...full time home school teacher for her own children...part time student.

One bright side is that I have gotten to watch my youngest child shine as she has also taken on the role of online teacher during this, her first year of teaching.  To say I am impressed and proud are an understatement!  She has really done a great job and I am so inspired by her.  Don't tell her that I said all this...she doesn't like me bragging on her too much now days.  But I am so very proud!  She is a great teacher!  Her babies are lucky to have her and I'm thankful that she knows more about this technology stuff than I do so she can help me some too!  ;)

So tonight instead of thinking about all these crazy stressful things, I and thinking of my oldest child and wishing I was with her.  You see, tomorrow is her birthday.  With the "shelter at home" and all the rain we are having, I will not get to see her tomorrow.  That makes my heart very sad.  Birthdays and celebrations are very important to our family.  This time of social distancing has taken those things away from so many people.  My grandson will be missing out on his birthday party in the next week as well.  It is just now fair, but it is what we must do for now to protect all those that we love. 

I hope we can celebrate them both very soon.  Until then, I will leave you with these photos of the one who made me a momma and taught me about love that is beyond understanding.  Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  You are a blessing to us all! 

Quarantine...Day 11..or 999...who knows!

Here it is again, 1:00 a.m. and I am WIDE AWAKE!  I'm listening to my hubby sleep soundly beside me and listening to the random BEEP or TWEET or whatever sound our detector is making since I accidentally flooded the sink and poured water down on the sensors....but that's another story!  Travel trailer living at its finest, let me tell ya!


So today I went to work for the ONE day we get to be in our classrooms.  We are now under a "shelter at home" order or we will be by midnight tonight...or tomorrow...or whenever it is!  I'm learning so many new vocabulary words during this PANDEMIC!  I am also reading so many legal documents to see what I can and can not do.  Luckily, so far, the hubby is allowed to work because his job is "essential."  As I read through our counties' ruling and then the Dallas County rules again, I am struck with the thought that many many many businesses are still "essential" to our every day life and are allowed to be open.  It is really those places where we might "hang out" or spend time visiting with others that are shut down.  This is all so new and different.  It is definitely not my cup of tea!

Today was hard.  I cried several times.  My heart is just sad at what is not happening.  As I drove by the Jr. High this morning at a time when buses should have been pulling out in front of me and cars should have been anxiously waiting for me to pass so they could turn in to the drive and drop off their kiddo, I began the first of my break downs.  The place was dark and too quiet.  No cars, no buses, no kids....nothing....  I headed on to Sonic to pick up my daily large water with blackberry and peach then to the cleaners to drop off my laundry.  I was going to be at school an hour early even on a late arrival day.  Typical me.

My youngest child called and asked me to meet her at the new smoothie shop to grab something for breakfast.  After much arm twisting, I met her up there.  She's a regular there and it was my first time.  Then my oldest child showed up and we had a family reunion at 7:30 a.m.!  I even was able to see 3 of my grands to start my day.  I should have been elated.  This should have started my day off better than most days, but sadly, it didn't.  Sadly it caused more anxiety.  You see, every time I see one of my kids or grands I worry that I might give them this germ that has taken a hold of our nation...really the world...and squeezed all the joy of human connection out of people.  I don't so much worry about the kids or grands giving me the virus, even though I am one of the more vulnerable, but I worry about myself carrying the virus to them.  Then, worse yet...I worry about carrying something to my parents who are in a higher risk category than I am.  All these feelings just seemed to add to the sadness that I felt building up in me today.

First to school, as usual, and I walked in, greeted the janitorial staff and headed up to my room where I was instructed to stay until further directions.  Six feet apart at all times from other teachers.  No mingling in the hallways or copy room or lounge.  (Have I ever mentioned that teachers don't follow the rules very well?  Well, we don't!)  Soon there was a circle outside my door...six feet or more apart, but our team, circled up and catching up after a week and a half apart.  I love my little team.  I had missed them.  As we sat there talking about the events of this world and the events that our day held before us without students, tears started again rolling down my cheeks.  I could not stop them.  May I never ever take for granted what a privilege it is to be a teacher and work where I work.  Today was hard.  Empty desks.  Quiet halls.  A mere building with teachers without students to teach.  Tears.

I spent the better part of the day trying to reach my homeroom parents by phone.  Asking them questions to assure that their child had access to the online learning platform we will be using.  Checking on my kiddos and their parents.  Reminding them of all the things that they need to work on and reassuring them that I am just a message away to help.  Telling them that I hoped to see their faces again soon.  Never have I ever missed a bunch of kids like I am missing these right now!

You see, I usually have the last quarter of school to prepare to let them go...to train them to be a little more independent and self monitoring and to be ready for jr. high.  Time to work on those last minute skills before our big state assessment and then time to read a novel for the pure enjoyment of a well written story.  Time...that has now been taken away from us.  Time that we can not regain.  Time that will now be spent through a computer screen.

 One of the online assignments I am planning on working on with the kids is for them to write their own "I Survived" book.  It will be the "I Survived the Pandemic of 2020."  Their true story told by themselves.  It ought to be fun!  I can't wait to read their stories.  I'm hoping I can make it all happen like I see it in my head.  Maybe we could even bind the final copy of their stories into a collection of personal experiences during the time the "school shut down."

Since I am having my kids write about their experiences during this time, I thought I might do the same.  I'm not normally an everyday kind of writer/blogger, but during these days there is just so much to write about.  Like the edge of tears all day today that I have felt, followed by an unexpected panic attack...which led to medicine and a long nap.  If we are following the cause and effect snowball, you can see why I am still awake at this time of night/morning.

I had several things bouncing around in my head as I got ready to start writing tonight and they don't always make sense to me until the end.  Sometimes they never really make sense to me but to someone else, they are just what they needed to hear.  Well...sorry, I don't have much, if any, wisdom today.  I honestly feel spent.  Tired.  Drained.  It's hard to make sure you have covered everything when you are too tired or stressed to do normal functions...like sleeping.

So "shelter at home" is a thing now.  I should have plenty of time to write while also figuring out all the ends and out of Google Classroom and other programs we use to present instruction on concepts.  Wish me luck!

Since today's writing isn't the fun or lighthearted writing that I try to do, let me leave you with a story or an image.  Picture this:  our barn with the travel trailer parked under it, surrounded by a new lake...which looks more like a mote..on 3 sides.  To leave in my car I have no choice but to drive through the deepest part of the mote.  It is also too wet beyond the mote to turn the car around and drive out like normal.  So....with my laundry in tow...I throw things in my car, ask my hubby to pray for me, start the car and .... I didn't punch it, but I gave it the gas it needed...baking up the whole way....and I made it to the partial rock drive at the gate.  Whew!  I made it out!  Slipping and sliding but I made it out! And that is how my day started.  Just another fun filled day in the trailerhood!  LOL! 

Have fun out there.  Take care of each other.  Be safe!   Stay home and read something good for your soul!

In Him...Denise

Anxiety

Nothing fancy in my title tonight....or should I say this morning.  It is March 23, 2020.  It should be a regular Monday morning.  I should be getting ready to go back to school after a restful, much needed, spring break.  I should be stressing a little about the two weeks until the STAAR test for my kids.  (Man, I wish that was what I was stressing over.  Never thought I would miss that test!)  I should be thinking about my son-in-law's birthday being today or the fact that this was the actual due date of my oldest daughter, who was stubborn and was born a week later.  LOL!  I should be thinking of all these things.  Really, I should be sleeping right now...12:11 a.m. on March 23, 2020, but that's not happening tonight.

The news has been crazy.  Facebook has been crazy.  Every ounce of media has been bombarded with doom and gloom about this virus.  COVID19, corona virus, the end of life as we know it!  Well...that's what it seems like after listening to the news and reading social media.  It is enough to overwhelm the strongest of us all.  So many I know are struggling.  Scared to leave home.  Scared to go to work.  Scared to go to the store.  Scared to visit family.  Today's newest tidbit is that the gas pumps are carriers of the virus...so now we are scared to pump gas!  I don't mean to make light of it.  I'm scared too.  I admit it.  I'm scared to go visit my parents.  I would hate myself if I gave them anything.  I feel guilty about seeing my grandbabies this past weekend.  What if I carried something to them?  What if they carried something and gave to me?  What if I pass it on to someone more vulnerable than me?  What if?  What if?  What if????

Right now I am typing and listening to some praise and worship music.  It is what has been helping my anxiety.  As I laid in bed with all the news from the day bouncing around in my head I kept singing this song over and over.  If you don't know it, check it out.  It will help your spirit be lifted.   PRAISE & WORSHIP: HOLY WATER  Last night as I listened to it and as many other praise and worship songs as I could before I fell asleep, I created a play list for nights like tonight.  Songs that will remind me about who holds my future in His hands.  Songs to remind me that nothing can separate me from God's love.  Holy Water, God Only Knows, Fear is a Liar, Even If, The God Who Stays, and so many more....songs to calm my spirit and draw me closer to God.

What else has helped?  Honestly, I have watched more online worship services this past week than probably ever.  I watch WFR Church's service often when I miss worship with my KCOC family.  Today I attended both services...it was kind of nice to do the 9 a.m. service with WFR in Louisiana and then 10:30 with KCOC here in Texas.  I also spent some time in Tennessee with the Riverwood church and Martin Pyle, my youth minister back in the day.  Spending time in God's word and with others via Facebook Live stream and messaging helped not to feel so isolated.  The sense of community was strong and greatly needed.  It was a blessing.

One thing that was talked about was keeping that feeling of community even in this time of isolation.  Saturday, myself and several others plotted to help build some of that feeling for our congregation.  I can't take credit for the idea because I saw it on Facebook.  Kim, Joy, Angie, Christy, and I had a blast putting the pictures of all our church family in their "seats" in the auditorium.  It was so much fun to see everyone there!  :)  I know it brought a smile to our preacher's face when he had the congregation there smiling back at him this morning while he encouraged us with God's word.  And no worries...we practiced social distancing the whole time and sanitized everything we touched!  Not hugging was the hardest thing of all!  Oh how I miss hugs!

I'm blessed to not be alone at home.  My hubby has been home most of the week with me due to the rain.  I know his presence has helped keep me calm and centered.  I am thankful for that.  He will be headed to work in a few hours.  So far he still has a job to go to.  He is in construction and is typically alone in his big machine that he operates.  His job is also deemed an "essential" job right now.  I pray he continues to get to work.  We have struggled a lot these past few months and any emergency fund we had is gone now.  I do worry about him though.  He just got over pneumonia.  His system is weakened and can't afford to be exposed to something that will compromise it.  However, he is not afraid.  MEN!

I'm just going to be honest.  This has been the worst spring break ever.  It rained every day and we were pretty much sent to our rooms by the government and told we couldn't hang out with any of our friends.  Also, I think I thought about school more during this break than I ever do during spring break.  Virtual learning will start on Tuesday.  I have no idea what that will look like yet.  I miss my kids already.  ALL 90 of them!  I do hope I get to see them again before the year is over.  I pray this does not continue much longer.

I don't have any words of wisdom or analogies to share.  Life is tough right now.  Things are uncertain.  Jobs have been lost.  People are sick and scared.  Families are separated.  Churches are forbidden to meet.  Toilet paper is missing!  (People have gone crazy!)  Life is just crazy right now.  But in thinking about this "time out" we have been given I hope we find the time to do some of the things we have been putting aside because of our busy schedules, like...reading.  I have a stack of books to read!  Arts or crafts...I have an unfinished blanket I have been crocheting that needs finishing and I have thought about taking my camera for a walk around our place if it gets dry enough to walk around outside again.  It's been a while since I took pictures of nature for fun.  Maybe it is a phone call to a friend you have wanted to reach out to and you just haven't had the time.  Now you do!

What if we all took this "time out" and invested the time in becoming better.  Spend more time with God in prayer and in His word.  Spend more time with your family...playing games, telling stories, creating memories.  Spend time resting and focusing on becoming a better you.  And during this time I think God has given us an opportunity to adjust some of our priorities.  What are you missing the most?  What are you most worried about not being able to do again?  Me...I miss my family.  I need more time with them.  I also miss the ability to go to worship.  I had been missing more than I should and now not being able to go makes me realize how much I really miss it and my church family.  Take your anxiety and and turn it into something for good.  Don't let it steal this time that God has given us to slow down and grow closer to Him and to those we love.

We will make it to the other side of this.  There will be better days.  Life will go on...so let's make it the best we can.  Love to you all...

In Him...Denise

Wild Blackberries...

Sitting in my chair, trapped inside my travel trailer due to social distancing requirements and rain that has continued for the past week, I spotted these white flowers growing near our fence line.  Just a couple the first day and now several dozen.  My curiosity took over and I ventured out to look at them.  Pretty little white flowers growing on a vine of some kind.  Ahhhh!!!  I remembered later that my mom had mentioned some wild blackberry bushes that had once grown along the fence near our place.  That started my researching.  I googled pictures of blackberry bushes/vines and of the blooms that they would have.  I am 98% certain that I am the proud owner of some wild blackberry bushes!  I am hopeful at least!

HOPE!  Funny how God placed those vines right outside the window of my chair, where I have stared out at a little part of my safe world this week.  I can't help but believe that these little flowers have been placed here to remind me that the world is still a beautiful place and that there is still hope for life and beauty in this world.  They also remind me of the provision that God provides.  Fresh blackberries!

Right now there is hope for some fresh blackberries.  Hope in the life that is growing despite all that is happening around it.  You see these berries have their own troubles to face.  First, this rain is relentless.  There is a new river flowing past them each day.  Second, they must survive the cows.  Yes, the cows.  They are growing along the path that the cows travel daily behind our home.  They often stop and try to nibble on the vines, even when I yell at them from inside the trailer!  LOL!  The good news is that the flowers have a protection against this outside threat.  They have thorns!  Thorns to keep them from being eaten and stopping their future crop of blackberries from coming into full ripeness!  I am so thankful for these thorns!  Because of these painful thorns there is still HOPE!

As I sit here tonight, day 7 of realizing that this quarantine life is really happening for many of us, I remember that hope is something that many do not have.  Fear seems to have taken over so many lives right now.  Turning on the tv or logging on to Facebook is all it takes right now to feel overwhelmed with hopelessness.  The media, friends, family, and almost anyone posting about this new virus will tell you all the horrible things that are to come.  Schools are closed.  Churches are closed.  Restaurants...closed.  Jobs are being lost.  People are dying.  Life as we know it is over!  Doom and gloom is everywhere!  Hope is gone...

Doom and gloom has tried to take over my life, but hope has kept me going.  You see we have a hope that this world does not understand.  Our hope comes from God.  We can know that we will have better days again because we know a God that loves his children and will see us through this time of uncertainty.  We must continue to share this hope with those that are being overcome by fear.  Fear is not of God.  Fear is a trick of one who would pull us away from the shelter of our God. 

I'll leave you with some power scriptures.  Pray with them.  Share them with others.  Read them over and over.  Let them bring you HOPE!  Hope in our Father who loves us and will see us through these days of uncertainty.

In Him...Denise 



Philippians 4:6-7:  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all who are weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

John 16:33:  I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

John 14:27:  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

Deuteronomy 31:8-9:  The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  

1 Peter 5:7:  Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  

Matthew 19:26:  But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'  

Proverbs 3:3-6:  Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Vulnerability...Panic, Prayer & Peace

COVID-19  (This may be a little long, but I have to process all that is going on in this crazy world today and in my head!)

Wow!  How the world has changed in a week!  Last Sunday we all were joking about a week with "Springing Forward" and losing an hour of sleep, facing a full moon and Friday the 13th.  For me it was also the week before Spring Break for my school plus the 5th grade camping trip to Sky Ranch.  I was preparing for a crazy week but little did I know it would be the last "normal" week for awhile.

Friday was a wake up call.  Suddenly we were working to prepare to not come back after only one week of spring break.  We prepared supplies for our kids to take home for 1 to 2 weeks of working from home.  Still...I don't think it really hit me that things were about to go crazy.

My hubby and I decided to pick up a few groceries before going home, knowing I would be home for the week of spring break and because rain was in the forecast.  (If you know the reason for the name of this blog you will understand why we needed to stock up before MORE rain came in.)  I think our trip to the store opened my eyes a bit to the hysteria that was about to overtake our country.  My first hint was NO SHOPPING CARTS!  I noticed the parking lot was full.  I thought it was because I there earlier than my normal time to shop.  Boy was I wrong!  I stood at the door and waited for someone to walk in, returning an empty cart.  What was happening?

NO TOILET PAPER!  Seriously!  How does a respiratory virus equal the need to clear the shelves of tp?  I didn't understand then and I still don't!  It is crazy!  I was shocked to see the paper goods aisle at the store cleaned out.  Not only was all the tp gone but very few roles of paper towels were left.  My understanding is that wet wipes on the baby aisle also disappeared.  Water bottles were gone.  Eggs were in low supply.  Pinto beans...GONE!  Ramen noodles...GONE!  Totinos pizza...GONE!  But hey...there was plenty of cake mix and brownie mixes!  LOL!  I could live on those!

I laughed as I walked through the store.  I watched people with carts that were overflowing pile one more something on top.  I had a man push his way in front of me to look for a bag of pinto beans.  I laughed...I probably shouldn't have, but I did.  I would have given him a bag if I had found one.  He settled for some rice instead.  (Rice and beans...beans and rice...Dave Ramsey would be proud if I could have found some beans!)  

I saw several friends and family while at the store.  Many of us hugged when we saw each other (oops).  I did ask a few friends if they were hugging before I hugged them.  (oops again)  We all just shook our heads at the crazy we saw happening around us.  None of us were doing that panic shopping thing.  Most of us were just grabbing a few things on our way home for the weekend.  People gave us crazy looks...some even mean looks...when we joked and laughed about being teachers and not being afraid of another virus.  Aren't we immune to everything?  Haven't we been exposed to all the bugs by now?  I know I feel like I have.  This is another year without even having the flu and almost every one of my students had it!  (Thank you Young Living Thieves oil!)  

I haven't been back to the store since then.  I'm a little scared to go.  You see as a teacher we only get paid once a month on the 20th.  I'm praying that there will be a little more peace and logical thinking by then.  I'm hoping to find food and yes...tp!  Living in our travel trailer we must buy certain types of tp and even that has been gone!  I have not been one of the panic purchasers...but I will admit that some level of panic has started setting in.  What if I didn't take this thing serious enough?  What if all these people who were panicking and buying up everything were doing the right thing and I was the foolish one?  What if....what if...what if....?????  

That's when the palpitations started.  I could feel the beginning of a really good panic attack starting as I read more and more about the shelves being emptied...seeing all the pictures online of empty shelves...hearing and reading everyone's stories about not being able to find what they need.  My own daughter's story of not being able to find milk for my grand babies and my other daughter not being able to find wet wipes made me realize this thing might be a bit more serious than I was taking it.  But still I believed it would calm down after the weekend and things would go back to normal.  As of this posting, that is not the case.  My parents went shopping today and still no tp!!!!

Okay, so the stores are going crazy.  That'll calm down soon.  Right?  That's what I thought.  Then the unthinkable.  Worship is cancelled at our church.  The decision was made to meet virtually instead of all together due to the CDC and the requirements of not more than 250 or 100, or 50, or whatever it was at the time, meeting together.  What?  No worship together?  I'll admit I don't make it every Sunday to worship but during times of unrest, meeting with my brothers and sisters in Christ is what steadies my spirit.  NOW WHAT?

I don't think any of us could imagine a world with no sports, no church services, no school, no dine-in restaurants, no gatherings of more than 10 people at a time.  The new term "social-distancing" will no doubt be one of the top ten of the year.  Are we over-reacting?  Are our national, state and local governments going too far?  What about jobs?  How do we get paid if we are not working?  Who will keep the kids when those who can work must go to work?  

As a teacher, a mom, a grandmother, a daughter, a wife, and also a board member of a preschool, so many concerns and worries flood my soul.  What do we do?  How do we move forward during this time?  Is it really as bad as they say or is this yet another thing that our media seems to blow up out of proportion just to scare us?  (Yes, I thought that!)  Do we go to extremes to help stop this or do we not let this scare us into not living normal?  As I sit here and listen to the latest news I know we must take this more seriously than I had thought in the beginning.  I wasn't one of those that said there was nothing to be afraid of but I also haven't been one of those locking myself in my house...

A nurse friend of mine got my attention.  She posted a picture of those who were considered "vulnerable."  I had felt safe.  I had thought my likelihood of getting really sick if I was exposed was slim.  I had really not worried about it any more than I do the flu until I saw her post.  

I am one of those "vulnerable" ones!  Asthma has been a part of my life since I was a baby.  I know the feeling of not being able to breathe.  It leads to a panic attack if I am not careful.  I rarely fight with my asthma like I did when I was younger, but it is still there.  It still reminds me often of my disability, especially during the spring and fall.  I also have dealt with high blood pressure since I was younger and much skinnier!  It is just one of those things that I inherited.  My age puts me in a higher category for risk as well.  I'm no longer considered "young" by most standards.  

So now I am isolating as much as possible.  I don't mind social distancing normally.  I like my quiet time and my private space.  However, now that it is being required I am struggling a bit.  I had planned to enjoy this spring break being rained in and not getting out.  I would reorganize our tiny living space.  I would clean out my closet.  I would read.  So far I have done none of those.  I have listened to the news, read every Facebook post about this virus and about school closings as well as how to do some distance teaching/learning.  So far this hasn't been much a of break.  Relaxing...no.  Destressing...no.  Sleeping well...nope.  None of those things yet.  Hopefully I will be able to relax a little in the next several weeks.  We've just been informed that we won't have school again until after April 3rd.  I'm praying maybe this will get better before then and we can return to a more normal life.  That has been my prayer at least.

So what can we do?  We follow the guidelines as best as we can.  We honor each other by respecting a safe distance when in public.  We stay calm and do some of those things that we never have time to do because we are so busy.  Busy has been cancelled for many of us.  Read a book, do a puzzle, play a game, go for a walk, be creative, call a friend you haven't talked to in a while, write a letter to a loved one, clean out a closet, work out.  Take care of yourself and your family.  Above all....PRAY!  The truth is that the best thing and probably the only thing we can really do...take our concerns to our Father in heaven.  Pray for this virus to be stopped.  Pray for those who have gotten sick to be healed.  Pray that those who can not work will be provided for and will find work during this time.  Pray that those in poor health are strengthened and healed.  Pray for our children to be protected and for them to not live in fear.  Pray that we show Christ in all that we do during this time.  Pray for one another.

Together we will make it through this.  I may need you all to remind me of this as we go through the coming days.  I do well most of the time but then that voice of fear starts whispering to me and panic starts setting in.  Isolation sometimes makes it worse for me.  If that is you also, please know you can reach out to me.  Sometimes just hearing the voice of someone you love makes things all better.  I pray peace be with you all.  I'm sorry this has been so long.  Lot's of processing on my part.  Hopefully the next post will be some crazy story of life as we know it!  

In Him....Denise