What is it about Sunday nights and my brain not wanting to shut off? 🤷🏼♀️ It’s crazy sometimes. I’ll just warn ⚠️ y’all now….this might get long so stop 🛑 now if you don’t want to go down the rabbit hole with me!
So today I’ve thought a lot about where I am on this life journey. It’s no secret the last several years have been difficult for many reasons. Job losses, empty nest, friendship losses, pandemics, losing my brother and uncles, and just pretty much losing myself in it all. It has taken a lot of work and prayer to be where I am today. I joked with my dr/friend/counselor about feeling like myself again more lately than I have in a long time.
One of those things I’m regaining is a sense of respect. I’m not being a doormat any longer. One of my forever friends sent me some notes on boundaries during the summer. They really hit home. I had become just someone that anyone could pretty much take advantage of because I didn’t want let someone down. I couldn’t say no very easily nor could I stand up for myself and what I needed.
I ended up taking the whole summer off from doing anything that I didn’t want to do. I said no to lots of things. I slept when I wanted to. I stayed home if I wanted to. I watched tv. Mindless tv because I didn’t want to deal with anything too emotional or heavy. I just gave myself permission to be whatever I needed to be each day. That was the key. I had permission to just be me.
Some people worried because I said no when I usually would have said yes. Some even plotted ways to kidnap me and make me get out or do things, but that’s when I started feeling my strength return. I stood my ground and said NO! It was really kind of nice to take back some control. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I just took care of me.
Things I’ve learned about myself during this time… I don’t like crowds. I like a slower pace. I need quiet days without human interactions. I need my space. My internal clock wakes me at about 8 daily. My ability to socialize doesn’t start until about 10 am. My weekends need to allow my body to rest and to function on its natural rhythm (which is why 9:30 worship isn’t working for me.). Maybe if my everyday didn’t require 5:30 am alarms and 10-12 hour work days then I could be more active on the weekends.
I’ve discovered that you only need a friend who truly prays for you to help turn things around. I am thankful for my praying friend. She still calls and sends texts just to say she’s praying today for me. Honestly, I could not have made it these past 3 years without her prayers! I know others have prayed too but the consistency of her taking our names to God throughout these past years has been a lifeline to my soul.
See…rabbit hole. My brain just goes wherever it wants sometimes. For those of y’all who may have struggled lately like me, let me say that turning my troubles into worship made the difference. Prayer…yes! Reading the Bible…yes! But there were days I couldn’t do either. I couldn’t pray. I couldn’t make myself read. The thing that helped me was my praise and worship playlist. As a song spoke to me it became part of my list. Some days I’d play the same song over and over and over until I could face the day. I blasted it in my car. I cried as I sang along. Those moments were more worship that a normal Sunday morning service could ever be. You see…it was just me and God so much of the time that He was all I needed to help me find me again.
So yes…I’m feeling a little more of that spunk that I used to have. I’m being a little more hardheaded and not so easily manipulated. I’m saying no. I’m calling a spade a spade if I need to and not letting things go that should be said. I’m not totally sure it’s all a good thing but I am starting to see that I need to come first in my priorities for awhile.
