ANXIETY SUCKS

 I curl up in my chair to sleep for the night.  Television is off.  Dogs are silent (for a change).  Air conditioner isn't even on.  Only the sounds of crickets and frogs play in the background.  Sleep should be easy....

It starts with just an uneasy and unsettled feeling.  I can't get comfortable.  Nothing feels right.  I stretch out my legs and rub my feet together (something I have always done to calm myself down before sleep).  Nope.  That doesn't help.  My legs feel achy.  They have to move.  I stretch them out and my foot starts shaking.  Nope.  That doesn't help the feeling either.  Heart begins racing...and it feels like hyperventalating breathing beginning.  It's an I-can't-catch-my-breath kind of feeling.  I sit up and grab the peppermint and lavender oils beside me.  Some goes on my arms.  Some on my neck.  A little under my nose.  There...that ought to do it.  NOPE.  Still feel uneasy.  If I wait much longer it will become a full blown attack.  "FINE!"  I think.  "I WILL GET UP AND GET SOME MEDICINE!"  Dig through my bottomless pit of a purse.  Where is that little green bottle?  Getting frustrated.  THERE IT IS!  Take a pill.  Lay down.  Nope.  Can't sleep yet.  Mind starts racing.  Why am I having an attack tonight?  Nothing is wrong!  NOTHING is triggering it.  Why?

Okay, so I will write.  That's what I do when things get like this and I can't do anything else to calm my spirit.  Turn on the computer.  IT IS UPDATING!  SERIOUSLY!!!!  Okay.  BREATE!  Wait for the update to finish.  Login.  Connect to internet.  NO INTERNET CONNECTION FOUND.  Run diagnostic to find and fix problem.  Nothing found.  Run it again.  Still nothing.  Still no internet.  Turn off hot spot on phone.  Shut down phone.  Wait 10 seconds.  Turn phone on again.  Try one more time....one more time and if this doesn't work I may chunk the laptop across the room!  CONNECTION!

Anxiety sucks.  I can't explain where it comes from or why it happens.  I can be driving down the road and singing along to a song and the “chest in my throat” feeling starts.  I can be watching tv and laughing at a show or playing a game on my phone and BAM! It hits from out of nowhere!  Anxiety sucks.  

A common misconception is that anxiety is worry.  I worry too much.  That is probably true, but in these last several years I have learned to worry less and pray more.  Still anxiety grabs hold of me.  The enemy would like me to believe that it is because my faith is weak and that's why I have these attacks.  Still not true.  My faith is probably stronger now than it has ever been because I have had to lean on Jesus and trust God to see me through some really hard days and nights in this past year.  Nope....anxiety is not lack of faith or too much worry.  Some say it comes from not trusting, or from being a perfectionist and being too hard on yourself.  Maybe.  I'm not sure.  All I know is that it has suddenly reared its ugly head again in my life and I am not happy.  

I guess I should have expected it.  I have deemed this summer my summer of rest, recovery and healing.  This past year truly has been the hardest of my life.  It started with Covid, then the loss of my uncle suddenly, then my brother a week later.  A week after that my hubby lost his job and school started for the hardest year of teaching I have had in my 25 year career.  A few weeks later another uncle passed away.  Three deaths in less than 3 months of close family members.  School is different due to covid protocols.  School was really really hard.  Hubby found a job.  We thought it was perfect and 6 weeks later they let him go...right at Christmas.  The next 5 months were horrible.  I'm still grieving.  He is looking for a job and getting rejection after rejection.  My stress is off the charts and so is his.  We barely survived it.  But now school is out and the hubby has a great new job.  I am still holding my breath a bit just from being disappointed over and over with the others, but I'm trusting that God has us.  

I gave up teaching school this summer to rest.  I have needed to sleep.  I slept almost the whole first week after we got out.  Week two was a little better.  This week I have started trying to accomplish a few things around here.  It's a big job.  We let a lot of things go during those 5 dark months.  Living in our travel trailer makes it even worse.  Clutter is a big deal here!  If I look at it all I get very overwhelmed.  

I read something the other day regarding people with anxiety and depression.  I have both and have for many years.  They are part of my dna and no, I can't just "get happy."  (I had a Facebook "friend" tell me I needed to just get happy and everything would get better.  Oh if it could be that easy.  Needless to say, she has been moved to the Isle of Acquaintances and only sees what I allow her to see on my newsfeed now.)  It's not controllable.  It's not just too much worry.  Tonight had been a good night.  Yet, here I am at 3:30 in the morning typing out my thoughts so that my anxiety can settle back down.  

Sadly, this can be gentic.  I fear I have passed it down to my children and I see it in some of my grandchildren.  We come from a long line of anxious people.  Learning how to cope with it and what to do in the midst of a full blown panic attack is something you have to learn.  I hate it but it is part of me.  I was thankful when talking to one of my doctors last week about the sudden onset of an attack again and how I just didn't know why it was happening again.  He shared his own experience and reassured me that mine was a normal thing.

This summer of healing and rest means my brain is starting to relax and process the events of this past year.  I did a really good job of compartmentalizing those events in nice neat little boxes or files in my head so I didn't have to look at them while working every day.  I needed to be able to function.  But now...now they are toppling out of their boxes and I am having to face them one at a time.  Face them, I must.  But I am allowing myself time.  Only one thing a day gets my attention.  The rest is relaxation or recovery.  I believe this isn't my last attack of the summer.  I'm praying it is, but I know I have just scratched the surface and need to dive deeper into what I'm stuggling with.  I'm trying.  It is just going to have to take a while....one file at a time.  So be easy with me.  Understand if I am showing signs of anxiety.  Please don't lecture or give advice that really does not help at the time.  The only thing I need...we that struggle with anxiety and depression need...is understanding and someone to just be there when we fall.  

One last photo of a saying that I love and it is oh so true....

Love to you all....D